March for Life Gets a Makeover

Guest Contributor Allen Ray (@2CynicAl65)

Today, March for Life 2017 takes place in Washington D.C., and as usual, there will be little to no coverage from the mainstream media giants (affectionately known as MSM from this point). I’m sure they would love to be there if they could, but hey, that cat isn’t going to shampoo itself, now is it?

​You see, the problem with the March for Life lies in the marchers themselves. Peace loving, life loving, nurturing mothers with husbands that stand by them as they may have struggled through difficult situations in childbirth. Parents that adopted because they can’t have children, or simply because they had a calling to go above and beyond in life. Teenagers that realize killing the unborn weighs on one’s soul. Brave mothers that went through with births, even though they knew their child would have special needs.….yawwwwwwn! Let’s face it, folks, normal doesn’t sell news ratings.

But have no fear! Yours truly is here to help market next year’s March for Life in a way that is sure to draw media attention away from the latest gun scare or faux racism incident. Taking notes from last week’s pro-abortion feminist rally, I humbly present to you;

The Top Five Ways March for Life Can Get Media Attention

1. In the weeks leading up to March for Life, release a LOT of press making far-reaching and completely untrue claims about how oppressed and triggered you are for wanting children to live. I mean, really go overboard on this! The more outlandish and infantile the accusations, the more newsworthy! Let your imagination run wild on this. Drag high-ranking government entities into the fray! It shouldn’t be hard. Many of them want you silenced for loving your unborn children, anyway. Just add a few “half-truths” about their personal lives, and you can take it to the next level. Bonus points if you can include government conspiracies, alien visitations, and epiphanies from farm animals!  Remember, bad press sells!
2. When organizing the actual march, make sure you isolate and offend certain demographics of your marchers. For instance, tell the “adopters” they aren’t as important as the “special needs” parents, so they should “listen more and talk less.” Make sure to segment the pro-life cause into racial and class divisions, as well. This will give the appearance of in-fighting, which will perk up the ears of the press like a dog hearing a can-opener.
3. Get “has-been,” substance-abusing, washed-out lunatics as your keynote speakers. That’s right, the more outrageous, the better. My recommendation: reserve Gary Busey and Randy Quaid, offer them free booze, tell them it’s a march against alien cover-ups, then sit back and watch the fun! They’ll scream obscenities, make hand gestures, possibly topple off the stage, and no one will understand a thing they’re saying, but hey….this is all about getting attention, right?
4. Chaos and violence are your friends! Nothing says, “I’m right and you’re wrong” like smashing windows, burning cars, bloodying the noses of your opposition, and relieving yourself on sidewalks and streets. Burn effigies of Lena Dunham while screaming like angry chimpanzees in a fight for the last banana. Make them call the National Guard in to join the party! It’s not every day you march on D.C., so make the most of it by taking out anger and frustration on innocent businesses. Bonus points if you can get Martial Law declared in the area!!!
5. Signage and Symbolism are a must! The more senseless and outrageous the signs, the more press coverage. Make sure signs are accusatory, vulgar, and make NO sense whatsoever, but not to the point that CNN won’t show them. Dress up in ridiculous and disgusting costumes so you can display your obviously superior intelligence! This will also help your anonymity as you hurl frozen afterbirth through a Starbuck’s window!  

There you have it, kids! Next year, March for Life will be violent, senseless, accusatory, vulgar, and chaotic, just like a certain march they had in D.C. a week ago, which received TONS of MSM press coverage! I am so glad I could be of service, and remember, protesting is your protected right!

Happy Marching!
Allen Ray