Make Valentine’s Day Great Again

Guest Contributor Schultzie

Face it, we guys tend to fail at Valentine’s Day.  

Maybe in high school you forgot to make the sappy mix tape. Or in college, you played past midnight in a Mario Kart tournament. Perhaps a few years after your wedding you thought it was Groundhog Day and told your wife you were sad there would be six more weeks of bad weather.

Fact is, Valentine’s Day, from the ladies’ perspective, is one of those very special “celebrate our love properly or I will cut you” days. Then life gets in the way, and Cupid sneaks up on us like a Central Park stalker.  When men fail on this, they fail pretty hard.

The risks are high because demand for the essentials is off the charts. Any man who got sidetracked and didn’t make plans is forced to make some hard choices:

• Romantic, gourmet dinner out at either 4:15 or 9:45.  
• An hour in line at the flower shop to spend the equivalent of a week’s earnings of a team of Guatemalan stonemasons.
• Brach’s sugar-free chocolate from the candy aisle at the Piggly Wiggly - because it’s the only chocolate left.

This doesn’t cut it.

There’s also the easy-way-out gifts that are given on that day, like PajamaGrams.

A PajamaGram is the worst because it tells your lady that you are stupid enough to believe the TV commercials where lady actors are paid to say they like pajamagrams. Even the words - straight from your loved one’s mouth - “I would love a PajamaGram,” aren’t true.  It’s the same as when you hear, “This is fine,” which means “This is not fine, will never be fine, and you’re too stupid to even realize I am going to punish you for this when you least expect it in ways you can’t even imagine.”

Vermont Teddy Bear?  Please. You are just asking for it. Teddy bears are for small children and for smuggling prosciutto through customs.

A sparkly diamond? Go for it if you have the cash.  

Otherwise, avoid cupid’s cliches, like trashy lingerie - women know you are buying this for your enjoyment.  (Save it for Father’s Day.)  Thinking about spicing things up with a Wonder Woman costume from Amazon? Instant death is now included with your Prime membership.

This is where the chocolate comes in.

At this point, women should stop reading this article because it’s full of secret Man stuff that will spoil your surprise.  Go ahead - click over to “57 Ways to Punish A Man Who Fails on Valentine’s Day - You’ll Never Believe Article 3, Subsection B, Part 4,”

Gentlemen: the first thing to remember about Valentine’s day is that women don’t like chocolate.

It’s the same with puppies, babies, and shirtless Sting from the 80’s.  Women don’t like that stuff at all.  

They LOVE that stuff.  They love it with the burning passion of pyromaniac standing outside a Zippo factory.  They love it more than New England loves Tom Brady.  When you watch Lord of the Rings and Gollum says, “My Precious…” just think of your lady saying the same phrase, right before she bites the corner off a square of Belgian dark chocolate.

Chocolate is special for women, because chocolate has magical powers.

Car trouble?  Fix it with chocolate.
Happy?  Time for a chocolate celebration.
Feeling down, tired or bloated - chocolate, chocolate, chocolate.
Marooned on a desert island with a lifetime supply of chocolate?  No problem.
Not even hungry?  Managed to put on pants today?  Bedtime and you haven’t brushed your teeth yet?  These are all valid reasons for chocolate.

Chocolate can win on Valentines, which is why I’m giving you this small piece of advice.

Bake this cake.  Do it at least a day before the 14th. Serve it on Valentine’s day with a little vanilla ice cream or whipped cream. With four ingredients, even if you’ve never done anything besides microwave pizza rolls, you can probably manage this cake.

Your love object gets the dopamine-rush of a flourless chocolate cake that you made with your own hands. In the 90 minutes it takes to make it, you will go from fail whale to sex panther - “60% of the time, it works all of the time!” She’ll think you’re precious.