Ask Alex - January 20, 2017

Alexandra F. Baldwin

Welcome back to "Ask Alex", where I answer all of your stupid questions with even dumber answers.  Have a question you need answered? Tweet it, email it or submit it here and I will get to it (maybe) next week.

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Before I start, I’d like to direct you to one moment from last week’s column: “Also, take the Steelers getting 1.5 tomorrow. Easy money.” And you people act like I am not a reliable giver of advice!

Anyway...since I am in a terrible mood over the inauguration of our newest Lunatic-in-Chief, let's get right to it.

Submitted by: BrownSkin (3 Questions)

Have I asked the worst questions? I ask because someone (Rebecca de Winter) may have insinuated as much!

You probably shouldn’t have asked this in the same week that you asked the two following questions:

Did you secretly vote for Donald Trump?

I did not. If I was not clear enough when I detailed why he is intellectually, temperamentally and morally unfit for the job, I did not vote for Cheetoh Jesus this time around. No, President Trump managed to do something that I didn’t think anyone was capable of...to get me to cast a vote for Hillary Rodham Clinton, a grossly unfit leader who at least can make a reasonable case that she checks the intellect and temperament boxes.  

Fuck it, we have to move on before defending Hillary Clinton makes me throw up in my mouth.

Who's prettier, Melania Trump or a bag of stupid rocks?

Now this is an objectively stupid question. Have you actually seen Melania Trump? She’s gorgeous, Dave. I have no shortage of criticisms of the whole Trump cabal, but denying that the First Lady is a Smoke Show is just plain absurd. And I don’t wanna hear any of this revisionist “Oh, she looks plastic and phony and she tries too hard!” Stop it, you’re embarrassing yourself. Melania immediately joins Kate Middleton, the two Swedish Princesses and Queen Rania of Jordan in the pantheon of super hot sorta world leaders.

Don’t make me start posting pictures of the first lady in her bathing suit, Dave...I’ll do it!!!

Submitted by: Mr. Durden

My bio says that I am adorable. Am I adorable?

Alex is a born diplomat, she tries to avoid any subjects for which there is no reasonable way to opine without pissing off someone. Like here, where I could either say that you are adorable, which might possibly anger your lovely wife, or could tell you that you are not adorable, which is sure to anger you. So, watch here how I deftly avoid answering the question...read and learn, kids…

I ran your avi through “Celebslike.Me” and came up with this:

Adorable? Not exactly, but he is a successful professional actor, so he is objectively a pretty good looking guy. Also, his last name sounds an awful lot like “Cuddly”, and that sounds pretty adorable, right? That is a pretty tenuous bridge to "adorable", but it's all I've got for you.

Beyond your celebrity look alike, however, I will happily note that your header picture - parent, child and stuffed Spiderman - is clearly adorable!

Submitted by: Justin

Is Alex the illegitimate love child of Whitey Bulger mob associate Stephen Flemmi?

Well, this one comes a little out of left field, but to be honest, if any of your know Justin, that is not terribly surprising…

For those unfamiliar with Boston’s mobsters, Stephen “The Rifleman” Flemmi was Whitey Bulger’s longtime associate and enforcer while also being a top echelon informant for the FBI. His eventual testimony at Bulger’s trial was one the most graphic and alarming moments of a trial filled with almost impossibly terrible stories. This is probably a good time to remind you that the FBI in Boston has a long history as a criminal enterprise (also, read this in the context of that and try to pretend it doesn’t stink to high heaven. I dare you.)

Flemmi is known to have killed at least 15 people, including a girlfriend who had the audacity to find out that he was an informant and girl that had called him “Daddy” since age two whose crime was having a mother who knew that he was an informant. He is also alleged to have systematically gotten underaged girls hooked on heroin so that they would then have sex with him for drugs. He is, as you can tell, a really great guy.

He is not, however, my father. Funny story, though, they seem to have a lot in common! They both spent a lot of time in prison, although Flemmi was clearly a better criminal than my father, who got caught much quicker for doing much less. Also, my father only maybe killed one person...it’s unclear. I mean, drugs were involved, money was involved, yada yada yada, someone ended up dead...are the details really that important?

Actually, I could make a pretty good argument that my father was no better at being a human being than Flemmi was. At a minimum, they’re in the same circle of Hell. Maybe Flemmi gets a slightly more prestigious ring, but they’re in the same basic place.

OK...I’m moving on...my father is one of my favorite subjects under the heading of “Things Wrong With Humanity”.  Ask me about Little Sister #2 next week if you really want to hear about him at his best.

Submitted by: SevenLayerCake

My cat is extremely concerned about the incoming administration. Which brand food would you suggest for feline nausea?

First, you are to be congratulated on having a cat that is so incredibly woke! Most truly committed Soldiers of Social Justice can only dream of having a cat that woke. Heck, most of them can’t get past uncontrollable, irrational rage...and here your cat has gone all the way to nausea. That is Level Seven wokeness!!! BRA. VO!!!

This was kind of a tough question, as there is precious little research done on feline nausea that is literally caused by not being able to even, but I pride myself on going where the fascist mainstream cuck researchers won’t. If you follow the chemtrails, question everything and finally realize that fire can’t melt a steel beam, you come to some pretty shocking conclusions.

And here’s the thing: the incoming administration is the final straw in causing the feline nausea, but your cat’s real concerns go so much deeper than that. Did you know that, at every meal, your cat has been eating the corpses of other animals?!?! Of course it is feeling sick...you would be too if you had even the slightest respect for the souls of the animals you’ve murdered so you can have your precious ham sandwich! A cat that has reached Level 7 woke has transcended its evolutionarily assigned diet and can only truly be a happy cat on an organic, vegan, grain-free, gluten free sunflower, pea and soybean based diet.

Thankfully for you, and for your truly remarkable cat, Evolution Diet has just the thing to ease its conscience, fill its belly and prepare it for the rigors of its impending Wiccan Gender Studies degree program.

Last note: You know who I am rooting for, but 6 points is an awful lot for a Steelers team that hasn't lost in months. And don't sneeze on the 5.5 that the Packers are getting, either...