Where Have All the Movies Gone?

Kurt Michaels

I am not shy about admitting that I’m a nerd. I am one of those nerds who grew up on comic books and who, until recently, had seen every comic book movie ever made as it came out. So you can imagine my dismay when I was informed that I couldn’t see Captain Marvel because I was born with a penis. Until now, nobody has checked my boxer briefs before allowing me to see a movie. But there I was, being strip-searched along with every other nerd dude who had the audacity to see a movie about a strong woman that will revolutionize Hollywood.

I should have seen it coming, though. I wanted to see Black Panther, but I was told at the ticket booth that Crackahs ain’t welcome. I insisted that it was okay, but they said no. So I bought a ticket to another movie thinking that I would sneak in, but there were armed Black militants at the door, making sure that I was stuck watching Love, Simon.

I talked to the theater owner about these situations. He said, “Our hands are tied. We want your money. The studios want your money. But clearly, social justice is more important than money. You need to just go home and think about that before you come in here trying to exercise your White Male Privilege.”  So I left, pondering why Mortie Rothstein, Theater Owner, could get away with that while being a white guy.

So I’m left wondering if, after all the injustices have been socialized, there will be a movie left for me to see? I mean, I’m willing to pay full price to see a superhero movie on opening weekend. For God’s sake, I paid full price to see Batman & Robin, possibly one of the worst movies ever made. And if there are movies I can see, what will they be? The Amazing (But Not Too Amazing Because You Are Special Too) Spider Non Cis Antibinary Person Of Color (As Far As You Know, Because The Mask Covers Everything) sounds lamer than Batman & Robin.

I guess this is my lot in life. I can’t watch movies I want to watch because in this age of social justice enlightenment, I need to sit down. Old white guys like me are a real problem. We work for a living, pay our taxes, try to buy movie tickets and overpriced popcorn. I truly wish my parents had explained this to me instead of raising me to believe that we Americans have more in common with each than we have differences. Oh well. I can’t lament too long or I will be late to see Gully Boy. He’s a superhero, right?