Vote for Bob. Or don't. Whatever.

CDP

With the Presidential election a scant 4 months and change away, many voters of all persuasions feel trapped. Given the two prospective nominees of the major parties, what other option is truly on the table? The hard truth of the matter is that there are no good options, which is why it is time for a new politics, a new party, one that starts anew free from all the corruption and rent-seeking of the current political system. What we need is a non-party.
    
This new party, dubbed the Misanthropic Individualists Seeking Freedom from Institutionalized Tyranny (MISFITs), is not a party. There is no membership list. There are no fundraisers. We don’t have conventions or meetings or stupid looking hats with simplistic slogans. We don’t want you to join. As a matter of fact, you can’t join because there’s nothing to join. We do, however, have a platform. Sort of.
    
Some items in our sort-of-a-platform may strike some people as counterintuitive, even hypocritical. To this we say: so what? We aren’t interested in your opinion. It isn’t like we’re asking for your money.

1. MISFITs will not be offering a candidate for POTUS. There are enough cults of personality already and as misanthropes we believe people are the problem. This is a campaign of ideas, or rather a campaign lacking ideas. In our experience ideas only lead to trouble.
   
2. In lieu of a candidate, if elected all Presidential decisions will be made by Bob in Accounting. He has a Heritage Foundation Pocket Constitution. We feel this sufficient.
   
3. Bob will not be available to the media.
   
4. Bob will not be on Twitter.
   
5. Bob will not be available to voters. There will be no “town halls”. Bob will not be going on Jimmy Kimmel or revealing his March Madness bracket. Bob is an accountant with a pocket Constitution. Leave Bob alone.
   
6. Bob will not address the nation in times of crisis or sorrow. Bob will make the necessary decisions as the Constitution demands but Bob is not your therapist.
   
7. Bob will make ONE public appearance per year: Opening Day of baseball season. He will throw out the first pitch, if invited to do so. Video of his pitch will then be juxtaposed against that of his predecessor.
   
8. Bob’s computer server will undergo regular maintenance, upgrades, and security checks.
   
9. If you, as a citizen, have an issue you believe Bob should address, ask yourself “is this really something my Governor or Congressman should be dealing with?” If the answer is no, ask yourself again.
   
10. There are, unfortunately, some functions (State dinners, etc) which a President must attend. These will be handled by Becky in Human Resources.
    
11. Cabinet appointments will be made by lottery using Social Security numbers, like the draft. And like the actual draft you don’t have much choice if your number comes up. Unlike the actual draft you only serve a week and then we pick someone else.
    
12. No numbers will be chosen for Cabinet positions we view as extra-Constitutional or unnecessary, so we’re only talking about a couple positions to fill anyway.
    
13. Answers to any and all questions you may have can be easily found in your copy of the Constitution, which we assume you all have.
    

The MISFITs sort-of-platform is not subject to change. Or it is, we frankly don’t care. As a non-party we are not asking for your vote. But if November rolls around and you’re feeling stuck between a rock and a couple of corrupt authoritarian morons, think of Bob. His pocket Constitution will be ready.

CDP