The Very Worst of Christmas Music

Alexandra Scrooge Baldwin

In addition to being the littlest, adorablest and most-beloved Misfit, I am also apparently the Misfit with the least Christmas spirit.  CC Hayes has gone so far as to call me the group Grinch, and Kayla suggested I “shut [my] Christmas-hating whore mouth.” I would simply note that maybe not everyone has the same natural level of Christmas spirit, and that we have all been endowed with different amounts of seasonal love.

It also occurs to me, in assessing Kayla and my relative love of all things Yule, that Christmas spirit may, in fact, be stored in our boobs. That would explain a lot.

It’s not that I hate Christmas…in fact, I am quite fond of it. Maybe not as much as I love Thanksgiving, but I am not at all a hater. When I was much younger, I used to get depressed at this time of year, but that had less to do with Christmas than it did cold and darkness. That passed, though, and I genuinely enjoy Christmas now. Now that I get to see two precocious six-year-olds prepare for the season and infect me with their own Christmas excitement, I’m even more of a fan. It’s not even December, and I already have a nine foot Balsam Fir full of Christmas spirit in my foyer!!!

There is, however, a part of Christmas that I could absolutely do without: Christmas music. (Well, also, religion, but that’s another story). With some notable exceptions, it’s terrible music made by terrible people who didn’t seem to enjoy making it at all. 90% of Christmas music sounds like a singer going through the motions so he can tap into the spigot of cash that comes from selling the same old songs to unsuspecting Trump voters. Which makes sense, since that is pretty much what actually happens.

As is true with many things, though, not all terribleness is created equal. Like Rob Schneider movies or Fleetwood Mac songs, some Christmas music is worse than others, and I am here to sort that out for you. As I noted in my Thanksgiving Food manifesto: “Also important to keep in mind: your opinions may differ. Another way of saying that is that you may be wrong. This list is non-negotiable, and it cannot be disputed. It’s science, people. This is as strong as the laws of physics, and we all know that you can’t argue with physics.”

That still applies. I am objectively right, and you can either agree with me or be wrong. The choice is yours.

With that out of the way, let’s get to the list!

#10 “Do They Know It’s Christmas,” Band Aid – nothing says Christmas quite like the condescending, self-congratulatory world-saving of a bunch of super-rich white Brits crooning about poor black people. It includes such heartbreaking lyrics as “There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas” which is dumb in at least three different and unique ways. First, in the technical sense, there is always snow in Africa. Mt. Kilimanjaro has a permanent snowpack, as does Mt. Kenya, Mt. Stanley and probably some others. Second, they sing as if that is some sort of a tragedy that these poor souls must deal with a snowless Christmas. Should I make a list of other places that usually don’t have snow on Christmas? How about ¾ of the United States, Australia, and most of Europe and Southeast Asia? Or fucking Bethlehem, you heathens!!! About six billion people are getting along fine without snow at Christmas, so I think the starving children of Ethiopia may have bigger problems. And third, snow? SNOW?!?! You’re singing a song about people who are so poor that they have neither food to eat nor medicine to heal with. I sincerely doubt that their new wool peacoat from J Crew is going to keep them warm. Snow would be, quite literally, a life-threatening affliction. So, shut the fuck up Boy George and think before you try and help next time.

This would be higher on the list except a) it’s kind of catchy, and b) Bono’s savage “Tonight, thank God it’s them, instead of you” shows up everyone in the song with a world-class guilt trip that seems to be directed at his fellow singers as much as the listeners.

#9 “Last Christmas,” Wham! – two songs in, and George Michael is all over Christmas being terrible. Which is too bad…I like George Michael just fine. Honestly, this isn’t a terrible song, and I hate it less than I did a couple of years ago. It seems to age well, and it is helped by Taylor Swift’s very peppy and listenable remake (partly because she is a goddamn American treasure, and you shut up about her!!!) But the original is here for two reasons. The first is George Michael’s uber-creepy breathless recitation of “special” at the end of the chorus.

The second is this utterly spectacular video. If you do nothing else today, watch this.

#8 “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” multiple singers – obviously, the joke here is that Santa isn’t real, so Mommy is really kissing Daddy in a Santa suit. But for seven-year-old Billy who stayed up late to see Santa, only to find his mother committing adultery with the first bearded, red-suited playboy to roll in through the chimney, this is a world-ending, trust-ruining, therapy-causing nightmare. Billy is going to drink when he is older, and he is going to hate women because they are all lying, worthless, Santa-fucking sluts taking advantage of his father’s hard work and unconditional love.

#7 “Up on the Housetop,” Dean Martin – this isn’t entirely Dino’s fault, other than the decision to record it. The song is totally, irredeemably awful. If this were 1969, and the Rolling Stones, in the midst of the greatest stretch of creative and performing excellence in Rock and Roll history, decided to make this song, it would still have sucked. It’s that bad.

{Digression: Beggar’s Banquet 12/6/68; Let it Bleed 12/5/69; Sticky Fingers 4/23/71; Exile on Main St 5/12/72; plus Get Yer Ya Ya’s Out 9/4/70 and everything in Gimme Shelter. Nearly every track is great, and completely different from the one before it. There’s rock, blues, gospel and country, there are Latin rhythms and bluegrass tones and precursors to disco and punk and grunge. There are songs – like the incomparable Gimme Shelter – that defy categorization. It is all brilliant, and in aggregate, it makes a three and a half year period unlike anything any other band has ever achieved. Digression end.}

Back to Dean Martin…this is a song intended for third-graders to sing at their Christmas pageant, gleefully chanting out “Click Click Click” in their terrible sweaters while Grandma snaps pictures in the fourth row. It is not meant to be sung by terribly overrated, martini-swilling Sinatra-hangers on. And no, I’m not walking back my criticism of Dean Martin. He sucks, this song sucks, and you suck for trying to tell me he was a “legendary crooner.”

#6 “Feliz Navidad,” Jose Feliciano – I sure hope that Trump’s wall keeps out shitty Mexican music. If we could ban this and La Bamba, we’d go a long way towards healing the wounds caused by this election. The worst part about this song, other than being sung by a guy whose name translates roughly to “Joe Happinessguy,” is its ability to get stuck in the head of the listener for a seemingly interminable time. It’s like Pink’s “Get the Party Started,” but for Christmas.

Also, if Simon LeBon and the guy from Spandau Ballet are to be believed, Mexicans can’t have Merry Christmases because they have no snow.

#5 “The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire),” anyone other than Nat King Cole – “Hey, people love The Mona Lisa, so I think I should paint my own cover version” – Picasso, never.

Cole’s version of this is Christmas song perfection. Not that it’s the best Christmas song, just that it is an exquisite take on this particular tune. It’s simple and heartfelt and highlights the singer’s extraordinary talents. So, why, at this time of year when we are supposed to be celebrating God’s son, would we so offend him by trying to improve on perfection. Unless you are a singer who plans on getting to heaven and immediately telling God what he needs to improve, you should probably pick a different song. {This same basic principle belongs to any non-Bing Crosby version of “White Christmas,” but that’s not as good a song. Also, Mo made clear in no uncertain terms that I needed to highlight how bad “White Christmas” really is. And I don’t want to threaten my invite to her lake house.}

#4 “Here Comes Santa Claus,” Elvis Presley – there are, research has shown, 312 different Elvis impersonators that can do a better impersonation of Elvis than Elvis did in this audio soup of hot garbage. That’s what it most sounds like…it sounds like he is trying to do an exaggerated caricature of himself.

Somewhat confusing, this is one of two Elvis songs in the regular Christmas rotation, the other being the wistfully charming and dramatically superior “Blue Christmas.” Elvis clearly had Christmas spirit enough for only one song…

#3 Anything from “The Andy Williams Christmas Album,” Andy Williams – America is afflicted with a wide range of social problems that, given our power and resources, we likely should have moved past. The racial disparities in wealth and opportunity are an uncomfortable legacy of segregation and proof that we have never fully reconciled with our past. Our schools fail too many of our children, and too many of those same children live in poverty and broken homes. Racial, religious, ethnic and gender-based hate crimes remain maddeningly common. And for some totally unfathomable reason, Andy Williams remains in regular rotation at Christmas time. I will never understand this.

If I have to pick one low point, it is going to be “Happy Holiday/The Holiday Season,” complete with it’s terrible 50’s style hep-cat cool factor lyrics like “Don’t forget to hang your sock” and “He’s got a big fat pack upon his back.” Fucking dreadful, and our parents oughta be ashamed for ever, ever thinking that printing and buying this album was an acceptable use of vinyl.

#2 “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” too many people – interesting fact: the first recording of this is by Ricardo Montalban and Esther Williams (who did not yell “Khan!” once during production in 1949). It’s been done thousands of times since then, and every one is just as bad as the original. Maybe worse. No, just as bad…

So, let’s start with the obvious…this song is about date rape.

Actually, that’s the only reason that matters. I don’t feel the need to give you any reasons beyond “it’s about drugging an unsuspecting woman so you can detain her in your house against her expressed desire to leave and then sexually assault her.”

Alternate titles include “A Very Cosby Christmas.”

#1 “Wonderful Christmas,” Paul McCartney – If we have learned anything from this exercise, it is that there are a lot of terrible Christmas songs. Many of them are mediocre to begin with, and then are remade hundreds of times into a horrible mess of unlistenable ear assault. In that sense, we should probably applaud Sir Paul for trying something new and penning an original. But holy shit, is this atrocious. I can’t hear this 3:45 of synthesizer-infused schlock without thinking, repeatedly, “How did this happen? This guy was in the Beatles!” That’s what really sets this song apart from the rest of the terribleness here: he should have known better. I mean, he wrote “Hey Jude” and “A Day in the Life” and somehow, a mere 10 years later, he had already quit trying so much that he turned this out. Even Ringo was ashamed to know him that day.

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There you have it. Ten songs whose abolition would dramatically improve Christmas and improve your celebration of the baby Jesus.

And don’t get me started on mincemeat pies and fruitcake.