The 5 A--holes You'll Meet at the Inauguration

CDP

The presidential inauguration is in a few days, and there will be a lot of regular people traveling to our nation’s capitol to attend. School groups, marching bands, civic organizations, in short, people who may not be particularly involved in the politics of the occasion, or who pay any attention to politics in general. Many of them are likely innocent to the machinations of our government and thus unaware of just how partisan and vitriolic our national discourse has become. These babes in the woods must be warned of what possibly awaits them.

America is full of a--holes. Americans are human, after all, and a large percentage, if not a majority, of humans are a--holes. This being the case, and Washington, DC being the a--hole nexus of the universe on a normal day anyway, a--holes will be well represented in Washington over the weekend. It seems prudent to offer the “normies” a guide, a distillation of the various types of a--holes they could encounter if attending the festivities and some tips on how to deal with them. Doubtless, it is not a definitive list, and feel free to add your own a--holes in the comments.

1. The True Believers: these a--holes actually believe in Trump, if you can believe it. Some of them will definitely fit the media template of the white rural Trump fan, but don’t be fooled: many of them will be from New York and New Jersey. The former believe Trump will actually #MAGA; the latter believe Trump will make graft great again, at least for people like themselves who have access. The white rural types are mainly friendly and helpful if you’re lost. The Guidos will actually also be helpful if you can get past the gruff exteriors and loud noises and approach them. They’ll be in a good mood because they believe their ship just came in.
2. The Dowager Princesses: these a--holes voted for Hillary and are in town because their Queen is attending and she needs the support/protesters. They are mainly in their 50s and 60s, divorced or may as well be, and educated. You will know they’re educated because they will take every opportunity to harangue you with their credentials and all they have accomplished “as a woman.” Most will be from Little Rock, Chicago, and Boston. Do not, under any circumstances, find yourself surrounded in a bar by these a--holes. They have nothing to lose and alcohol only emboldens them. Some may be armed with p---y hats.
3. The Race Disgruntled: these a--holes come in all shapes and sizes. And colors. The one thing they actually have in common is their anger and disappointment that the first black POTUS is Constitutionally limited to two terms. The racial tension under Obama has been good for them, and they’re not happy to see the Federal cash cow being moved to a different pasture. The easiest way to spot them is to wear a button or some other article of decoration to identify yourself as a Republican. They’ll spit on you and call you a racist, thus identifying themselves. Best to avoid altogether due to the direct correlation between nearness to them and being charged with a fake hate crime.
4. Anarcho-Fascist Bros: these a--holes mainly just want weed and for the government to pay for their healthcare and college. They can at times be riled up by speeches and folk music into energetic protests, but given their mode of dress and offensive odor most will likely not be allowed into areas where the normies are allowed. If confronted by one or a small group of them, your best option is to affect sanguinity with their philosophical outlook by using words and phrases such as “proletariat” and “climate change denier.” They are easily confused and distracted, so if all else fails, point and yell “Hey! Hacky sack!” and then make your escape.
5. The Professional A--holes: these a--holes work for the government, either directly or tangentially. Most of them voted for Hillary or McMullin, although you will find Trump supporters as well. What you will not find is a desire to mix with you, the hoi polloi. As a matter of fact, don’t dare use the phrase “hoi polloi” around them, as they are currently pretty touchy about their future prospects and blame middle America. The smart ones know that Trump won’t actually change how Washington works and so won’t be as despondent as the rest, but they’ll still probably be a--holes. If you do find a friendly one, ask about where the best dive bars are located. They will know.

Hopefully, this non-definitive list of a--holes will be of some help to attendees of the inauguration. You should be fine if you just remember that, just like in everyday life, everyone is a potential a--hole. So have fun, stay safe, and God bless this land full of a--holes. We’re gonna need it.