Oscars 2017: Predictions

Andrew Lynch

Normies rejoice! The nominations for the 2017 Oscars have been released! We have yet another opportunity to gasp at the fashion, titter on Twitter about the speeches, and be subject to more Hollywood Social Justice! Can’t you feel the excitement in the air? I know I can!

In honor of these nominations being released, I thought I would compile my own picks of who will win these Oscars and why.

Know this: I have seen maybe five of the movies that were nominated. This is based on speculation and politics. After all, merit has no place in the Academy Awards any longer. Merit has no place anywhere when there is an agenda you can advance!

Best Picture
Winner: La La Land
You don’t get nominated for that many awards and not get the Best Picture award, even if there are political wins that could be made.

Best Director
Winner: Damien Chazelle (La La Land)
No significant reason here, just feels a likelihood.

Best Actor
Winner: Denzel Washington (Fences)
Denzel is a superb actor. I have not seen Fences, though, and after #OscarsSoWhite last year, we all know the Best Actor award will go to a minority. Which is a shame and diminishes whether he actually would have earned it.

Best Actress
Winner: Meryl Streep (Florence Foster Jenkins)
Because rewarding her for speaking out about Trump.

Best Supporting Actor
Winner: Mahersala Ali (Moonlight)
No real reason here other than another diversity showcase and a gut feeling. But maybe Jeff Bridges will take it.

Best Supporting Actress
Winner: Viola Davis (Fences) or Octavia Spencer (Hidden Figures)
The sad thing here is both of these women deserve their nomination, but one will win it to prove the diversity of the awards.

Best Original Screenplay
Winner: La La Land
Too much of a Hollywood love affair with this going on and no political nominations that I can see.

Best Adapted Screenplay
Winner: Arrival
Arrival is one of the few movies I’ve seen, and it is a smart SciFi movie adapted from a short story. I don’t see it losing, but I could be wrong. Fences or Hidden Figures may take it given the content and contexts of the movies.

Best Animated Feature Film
Winner: Moana or Zootopia
Everyone I know who has seen Zootopia loves it, and it would be deserving of the win. I have not seen it, but I know Moana was excellent. I don’t see politics being an issue here, so it’s a toss up.

Best Foreign Language Film
Winner: The Salesman
It’s an Iranian movie and the only one that comes from a non-predominantly white country. A perfect opportunity for Academy virtue signaling.

Best Documentary - Feature
Winner: 13th
Documentaries are always political statements on what wins. This one about race in the American criminal justice system is a shoe in. I Am Not Your Negro is a possibility as well.

Best Documentary - Short
Winner: 4.1 Miles
A short documentary about the refugees in Europe? Definitely winning. Virtue signaling possibility is far too high.

Best Live Action Short Film
Winner: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I haven’t got a clue here. I don’t have enough info to go off of.

Best Animated Short Film
Winner: Piper
There isn’t an animated Pixar movie in the animated category. They’ll toss Pixar a bone with giving them the short.

Best Original Score
Winner: La La Land
Once again, the love affair will come home. It’s a musical, so they have to give it a musical award.

Best Original Song
Winner: “How Far I’ll Go” Moana
Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote the song. They want to give him an Oscar for Hamilton. He gets this without a fight.

Best Sound Editing
Best Sound Mixing
Best Production Design
Best Cinematography
Winners: La La Land
No one cares about these awards, it’ll just be to pump up the movie they all love so much.

Best Makeup and Hair Styling
Winner: A Man Called One
It’s not Star Trek nor is it Suicide Squad. It wins by default.

Best Costume Design
Winner: Jackie
It’s a movie about a Kennedy. They have to give it something.

Best Film Editing
Winner: La La Land
The winner should be Arrival, but the Academy will continue giving awards out to their darling movie.

Best Visual Effects
Winner: Deepwater Horizon
It’s not a SciFi movie (although Doctor Strange deserves the win), nor a family movie. Plus it’s about an environmental disaster.

There you have it, my views as to what will win. These opinions are informed mostly by hearsay, social justice knowledge, Hollywood snobbery, and trying to imagine what I would do if I disliked fun entertainment. Honestly, it’s a shame these awards are known for being a political showcase more than one of merit. As mentioned before, the people nominated may very well deserve the win. Unfortunately, with all the recent political atmosphere in the US, their wins will be tainted with a view of being a “token” to show how diverse the Academy actually can be. I would be disgusted to win anything in such a circumstance.

Agree? Disagree? Feel free to join in the discussion on Twitter where you’ll find me as @GentlemanRascal.