Thanksgiving is once again almost upon us, and once again we are being force-fed numerous stories about how to talk to your relatives about politics during the holiday. This being 2016, the normal stupidity has given way to a new level of mewling asininity due to Donald Trump.
These articles are almost unanimously of the “here’s how you, O Enlightened Liberal Reader, should deal with your idiot Trump-supporting uncle at Thanksgiving” variety. There are a sparse few more even-handed examples, but one thing seems to be missing: a guide for talking politics with your relatives at Thanksgiving for those who supported neither Trump or Clinton. In fact, what is really needed is a guide for people who found all of the presidential candidates wanting, and spent election night staring up at the sky in anticipation of SMOD. So here is your guide to Thanksgiving 2016: How to Literally Talk Politics with your Idiot Relatives Now that SMOD Let You Down.
Obviously, at most Thanksgiving feasts, the two major-party candidates will be the most discussed, and there will likely be ancillary arguments about the primaries involving both. That being the case, let us dispense with the more minor characters first.
Evan McMullin: Look, I get it Uncle Buckley. You couldn’t bring yourself to vote for anybody else, but your sense of civic duty ensured that you had to vote for somebody, so this was your protest vote. You knew he couldn’t win, but held out hope it might do enough damage to magically throw the election to the House. You tried to make the best of a bad situation. But to be honest, your moral self-righteousness probably didn’t help your cause any, and was frankly just as ill-fated as Aunt Alexandra insisting that apple pie is a Thanksgiving food.
Jill Stein: Put down the gravy boat, Aunt Tammy. I promise the turkey is 100% organic and was put under heavy sedation before it was killed. Yes, I know they put hormones in the sweet potatoes, but that’s why Mom made you that beautiful farm-to-table kale salad that the nice man at the co-op swears was only fertilized with his own personal, uh, fertilizer. Well, no, I didn’t ask about his immunization history…
Gary Johnson: Hey, Uncle Steve! Could you pass the uhleppoh? What’s uhleppoh? Exactly.
Bernie Sanders: So, how’s art school, cousin? Oh really? 12 hours a week? Yeah, that’s horrible that your mom and dad make you have that part-time job. No, I can’t say I ever felt the Bern. Look, if you want to complain about that, take it up with the DNC. 2020? He’ll be 103 years old! Oh really? Damn right kid, I did just take half your stuffing – welcome to real life under Bernie you pinko shitstain!
Hillary Clinton: Hey, Aunt Vernie. You look great! Oh, that’s too bad. No, I’m not sure if we have any Immodium, but I’ll look. What? Is that so?! Your first presidential vote for a woman, I’ll be damned. Congratulations! I’m sure it was very exciting. No, I don’t think they let her run just to keep her out of the White House because she’s a woman. Why? Mainly because she’s not a very good human being and a terrible political candidate. Hmm...no, I can’t say that I think there was an FBI conspiracy. I think she’s just dishonest. Hahaha! No, no, there’s no next time! Can I get you anything? Preferably something with tryptophan in it?
Donald Trump: Hey, bro, do me a favor and take that hat back to your car. No, I didn’t. No, it was not a “vote for Hillary,” and what difference does it make? Your idiot man-child won! Hahaha! He can’t do that without Congress, dummy. Oh man, are you going to be one disappointed sonofabitch next Thanksgiving! I can hardly wait!
*any actual usage of the above leading to injuries to property and/or physical persons are not the responsibility of this author or this publication
Just a gaggle of people from all over who have similar interests and loud opinions mixed with a dose of humor. We met on Twitter.