Welcome back to "Ask Alex", where I answer all of your stupid questions with even dumber answers. Have a question you need answered? Tweet it, email it or submit it here and I will get to it (maybe) next week.
Submitted by: Anonymous
Caitlyn Jenner is going to pose nude in a magazine. On a scale of 1 (church) to 10 (new season of Alaskan Bush People), how excited are you by this?
I’m going to admit to being a touch spooked by anonymous questions that reveal this level of expertise about my likes and dislikes. Putting Alaskan Bush People at the top of your ratings scale, though? That’s a really nice touch…clearly you have been paying attention.
For those of you that missed it, it was reported this week that Caitlyn Jenner is reportedly planning on doing a nude photo shoot at some point in 2017 in an effort to recover from a 2016 that lacked in the level of freakshow publicity that she is used to.
I, for one, think that this is THE BEST THING EVER.
My first question, which I think I tweeted, had to do with what kind of photo shoot this is going to be exactly. By that, I mean, is this going to be a Maxim-style spread where the naked Cait is going to be covered by strategically placed arms or pillows or crossed legs? Or is this going to be a full-fledged, Penthouse-style crotch exhibit? And if (as we are all clearly hoping for) it is the latter, is she going to go with a tuck, or just let her schlong flop around for all to see? Further questions…will she have boobs by then? Because frankly, I feel like her new boobs would look really spectacular for a 67 year old broad. Maybe not Helen Mirren-good, but pretty good.
To answer your question, though, I am going to beg my excitement level at about 8.5.
Submitted by: BrownSkin (3 Questions)
How's the column coming along?
Not bad. So far, it’s 339 words long. Wait, 342. No, now it’s up to 349…
That first question was a fun one, huh? If you don’t find intense enjoyment at the idea of another Kardashian making a complete ass of herself in order to spend more time in front of the camera, then you and I have totally different definitions of train wreck entertainment. Is this worse than Kim deciding that making a video in which she allowed Ray J to blow a load on her face was worth the price of fame? Probably not, but…oh, shit…I need to stop before Caitlyn goes getting any ideas. And while we are at it, someone hide Charlie Sheen’s phone.
What was harder; making your first million or the last one?
Common sense says that making the first one is probably harder and they get easier after that, but I am not answering because I reject the premise of the question! Dave has been trying to accuse me of the obscene crime of being rich for as long as I can remember and I simply won’t stand for it any longer.
You guys may not know this, but BrownSkin is rich…like SUPER rich. By my (uninformed and highly exaggerated) analysis, he owns several businesses and somewhere in the vicinity of 17 homes. He’s a shrewd investor, steely negotiator and famously brutal landlord. On Christmas Eve, he evicted two long-time tenants for the egregious transgression of leaving their disabled child’s wheelchair on the front porch for too long. He also took the wheelchair and refused to return it until they paid the remaining 9 months of the lease that he wasn’t allowing them to complete. In his defense, once the child’s father sold his left kidney to raise the money, Dave did in fact return the wheelchair. He was heard grumbling afterward “You don’t get to be BrownSkin-rich by being a nice guy!”
In the spirit of fairness, I should probably note that the entire preceding paragraph is, in the parlance of the week, “not very well sourced.” It may, in fact, be completely fictional. Except the part about the seventeen homes…that’s definitely true!
My real point in answering this question, though, is that it reminds me of my very favorite (and possibly fabricated) rich-guy anecdote. The scene is a cocktail party at an exclusive club in New York sometime in the late 1920’s, and John D. Rockefeller has been cornered in conversation by a younger gentleman that Rockefeller considers to be tacky, unrefined “new money.” The gentleman remarks to Mr. Rockefeller, “I thoroughly enjoy being rich. I will never tire of counting my millions!” And in the thoroughly dismissive way that only the richest human being in modern history can possibly carry, Rockefeller responds “Son, if you can still count your millions, you are not that rich.”
When faced with a tough question, do you punt or pass?
Is this a football question? It kind of sounds like a football question, which is good, as I am clearly Twitter’s #1 authority on football. Also, it kind of has to be a football question, because in any other context, punting and passing are basically the same thing: putting off the decision for a later time or for a different person. Only in football, where “pass” is an action one might take when electing not to punt, would this make sense.
But let’s also recognize that BrownSkin wouldn’t make much of a football coach. Here, on a crucial fourth down, he has already given away his play call…how can you expect to run play action if you already told them that you are going to pass?!?! Without even the threat of the run, you’ve made the defense’s job that much easier.
This is also probably a good time to note that NFL coaches are some of the most irrationally risk-averse people on earth. The data on punting vs. running a play on fourth down say overwhelmingly and unequivocally that NFL teams punt way too often, and also kick field goals rather than seek first downs too often. What is remarkable is that many coaches will openly acknowledge this, but continue to punt in situations when they should try for a first down. Clearly, I am not going to convince anyone who believes the shit that coaches are quoted as spouting in that article, so I am just going to stop writing about football and point you to a high school coach who never punts!
Also, take the Steelers getting 1.5 tomorrow. Easy money.
Submitted by: Bill, @DefendWallSt
Will the itching, burning chaffing ever stop?
Well, Bill, I checked WebMD, and I have some concerning results. It tells me that you most likely have body lice, although there is a small chance that it is crabs. The good news is that body lice, unlike head or pubic lice, are mostly just a nuisance and the itching and burning will go away once you get rid of them. Getting rid of them is pretty easy…just a hot shower and make sure to wash your clothes in water that is at least 130 degrees.
Much more alarming is that it is pretty hard to actually get body lice. Usually it comes from not bathing and living in close, cramped quarters with other people who may have body lice. This raises an awful lot of questions about you, Bill…an AWFUL LOT.
Does anyone know where Bill lives, and whether or not there is some organization that can do a wellness check..?
Submitted by: Rebecca de Winter @BlazerMac88
Should I take a nice, long Twitter break?
No, you should not, and you can just shut your hoor mouth with these absurd ideas, Missy!!! This is the single worst idea I have heard all week, and I say that fully aware that this column started by discussing Caitlyn Jenner posing in Penthouse. I’m angry that you even asked and I think you should maybe go to your room for a while and think about what you have done.
Just a gaggle of people from all over who have similar interests and loud opinions mixed with a dose of humor. We met on Twitter.