Ask Alex - April 14, 2017

The Littlest Misfit

Welcome back to "Ask Alex", where I answer all of your stupid questions with even dumber answers.  Have a question you need answered? Tweet it, email it or submit it here and I will get to it (maybe) next week.

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This week, Alex talks manners some more, encourages Andrew Cuomo to step up to the plate and does a little Congressional matchmaking in case he chickens out. Then, we’re talking dress codes and blowing the lid off of shady Jedi recruitment practices. Special bonus, Alex’s kids are at school today, her husband is at work and she is sitting at home enjoying peace and quiet that she almost never gets! (This is code for “I’m in my bed and I am not wearing any pants.”)

Submitted by: Leigh
Hey Alex, what are your thoughts on women who bring their cell phone conversations into the sometimes busy office restroom? I personally find it kinda gross and wonder if the person on the other end has any idea where they are.

I think we can all agree that the “Cash me Ousside” girl is probably going to grow up to be a bathroom cellphone-talker.

I’m not generally in favor of vigilante justice, but I also don’t think that I would vote to convict you for punching your co-worker  in the throat…

I am not sure that I can rationally articulate why using a cell phone in a bathroom is worse than any other busy place.  It really shouldn’t be...I mean, if I am talking to you and can’t see you, I don’t really see why it matters what you happen to be doing at the time. But it does matter, and I am not going to apologize for caring.

If we step back, though, I’m thoroughly confused by anyone who brings a cell phone conversation into a busy public place in any capacity. I was on the Subway just last weekend and some random girl was fighting with her boyfriend (I assume) by phone in the middle of a relatively crowded car. I’m not sure what gave her the impression that I cared about how the boyfriend treated her mother (which, in her mind, was totally disrespectful, which I know because she used the word “disrespectful” at least 32 times), but it must have been something because she very considerately articulated everything loudly and clearly enough for everyone there to hear.

That isn’t half as bad as the guy I once heard ordering pizza and reading his credit card number in a way that may as well have been Patrick Henry proclaiming “Give me a large cheese and a Greek Chicken Salad or give me unauthorized purchases!” I kind of felt like calling the credit card company to let them know that when this guys number got stolen, it was his own fault...

Or...and this is a pretty solid “Drunk Alex causes trouble” story...there was the time that I overheard a gentleman talking to his wife or girlfriend from stageside at a strip club (which is kinda weird, since I think you’re usually not allowed to use cell phones anywhere near the dancers). His plan to tell her that he was at a baseball game seemed to be pretty solid, “Yea, it’s great. Sixth inning, they’re losing 4-1, but the seats are awesome” until the obnoxious tiny girl nearby decided to shout at his phone that he was a liar who was currently feeding dollar bills into a glittery asscrack. Seriously, it’s a good thing I’m adorable…

But yes, let’s just all agree to have a little more self-consciousness around talking in public spaces, especially bathrooms. From now on, no bathroom talking.

Just tweeting.

Submitted by: Yitz
What could have gone so wrong in someone's life that they watch pimple popping while eating ice cream? Asking for a friend.

I’m going to admit that, until it came up Friday night, I had no idea that there were so many utterly grotesque surgery videos on YouTube. I mean, I know that there are some (I defied some pretty widely offered advice and watched a C-section video before I had mine) but there are like thousands of them. And it appears that Jessica and Tiffany might be their biggest fans. Or, at a minimum, they seem to be Superfans of Dr. Sandra Lee, aka “Dr. Pimple Popper”, a dermatologist who has over 2 million YouTube subscribers to her channel of never-ending pustule-lancing and cyst removal.

I can only assume that those two million people are masochists in a manner very similar to competitive spicy food eaters, because everything on this channel is absolutely fucking disgusting. DISGUSTING. It’s is so disgusting that I am currently saying a little thanks to myself that JR lets me swear here, because I don’t have the non-expletive words to describe how gross this shit is. I’d tell you to not watch this, but I know that most of you are degenerate rubbernecks and you can’t avoid it, so just go ahead and watch, then come back after you’ve wretched up your lunch.  

Can we also stop to give Jerry Seinfeld credit for again being 20 years ahead of the curve with “Pimple Popper, MD”? In a week where United Airlines has re-enacted this phenomenal scene, and we have debated the cultural appropriateness of naming weapons systems after Native American tribes, it seems appropriate to have found another example of Seinfeld laying out cultural history long before it happens.

Speaking of appropriation, I am none too pleased with this blackhead hunter’s appropriation of my favorite Food Network Star’s name. I may be irritated by celebrity chefs, but Sandra Lee can plan my Halloween party any day! If you don’t appreciate her inclusion of something super boozy in every episode, than you and I just can’t really be friends. You can also freely admit that you were always mesmerized by the way her boobs jiggle so delightfully when she whisks things...this is a boob admiration safe space.

This is maybe a good time to note that she had breast cancer a couple of years ago, requiring a double mastectomy and reconstruction and that she looks absolutely awesome post-cancer.

Now for the awkward part...I’m looking at you Andrew Cuomo. It’s time to pop the question already. You’ve been together for ten years now, and it is time to either shit or get off the pot (and don’t call anyone while you’re making up your mind.) You’re both in your fifties and you have already made it through two governor’s campaigns and cancer, it’s gotta be pretty clear at this point that you’re gonna stick it out with each other.

What the hell are you waiting for? You’re telling me that New Yorkers wouldn’t like to see a Governor’s wedding? She’s a lot more popular than you are, and clearly wants to get married...you best put a ring on it before Cory Booker snatches her up as potential first lady ahead of the 2020 Presidential primaries. It’s gonna be hard to compete with “Pick Cory, Just Like Sandy Did!” (By the way, that campaign slogan is trademarked, Booker, you are gonna have to pay me for it.)

Since I have gotten wholly off topic here, I should circle back to your question and say that I have no idea what would possess someone to watch these videos while eating. I mean, I’ve seen some pretty fucked up shit in my life, and none of it has given me even the slightest desire to watch somebody extract rancid-smelling seburn from another person’s pores.

Submitted by: CC Hayes & Mo Mo
What is the appropriate business attire for a one-on-one business dinner with the opposite sex?
What is the appropriate business attire for a group dinner where older men will be in attendance?

Two separate questions from two of the #BeckySquad, but the same theme, so I am answering them together. Although the answers are quite different. (Also note: I exist in a business-professional world full of bankers and lawyers, and my dress code views reflect that. If you are in a less buttoned-down field, you can be less buttoned down, but I think the principles remain.)

First of all, let’s get some stuff out of the way. I am aware that the differing dress code expectations between men and women are not “fair”. Men both have an easier dress code to navigate they are judged on this much less than women are. The idea that I would sit here and tell a twenty-something guy to not dress too suggestively is absurd...this is a woman-only problem, and there is absolutely a part of it that is based on basic cultural views of men and (especially young) women and the fact that there are a lot of dirty old men in the world. A lot. Don’t @ me.

But there is an even bigger part of it that is based on the myriad options available to women and the fact that we generally want to take more risks and express more individuality in dressing ourselves. Whatever variations guys put into their professional attire, they are starting from a point of being covered from their neck to their wrists and ankles...there is a limit to how much trouble you can get in if you start with about 14 square inches of exposed skin. If any woman would like to take advantage of that same theory, she will make life of dressing herself for work MUCH easier (and really, there is a lot to be said for that).

Answering the question, though, the one-on-one dinner is the much tougher of the two, largely because I would question why you were even having it in the first place. I would guess that you have at least something of a friendship with the person you are eating with, because it just seems super weird that you’d be having a conversation with one single person and felt like dinner was the best time to do it.

If I think back on the many working meals that I have eaten, I never recall a pure “business dinner” that was with only one other person. I’ve eaten a ton of meals with a (female) boss of mine that has served as a mentor and a friend since I started working, but that is usually about half personal stuff, and the other half split between specific work stuff and general “career” stuff. There have been times that I was traveling with somebody from my office and we have eaten together without anyone else, but I wouldn’t classify that as a “business dinner”, because I don’t think we would have eaten together if we weren’t personally friendly. And that makes that socially more challenging because it is going to be inherently more casual and much friendlier. Once you’ve each had a drink or two, it is very easy for the conversation to get to a place that you’d never get to in an actual business setting, especially if the other person is a good “work friend”.

I just think that, especially as a young woman, you have to be really careful of these situations. I’m aware that, depending on your perspective, this sounds either a little feminist-whiny or patently unfair, but that doesn’t change the truth of it. Girls just have to be (at least) a little bit more careful about this than guys do. My dress code advice for something like this would be as casual and conservative as possible. Sneakers, jeans, sweater, no makeup...dress like you are getting ready to paint your living room and act the same way. More important than how you dress, though, is how you act. It’s really not a bad idea (for men or women) to not drink in a situation like this, or to at least keep your alcohol intake to a minimum.

Very few good decisions start with four vodka tonics. Very few good decisions ever get made after about 9:00pm, either. You have a hotel room, use it. By yourself;-)

{Conversely, tons of great ideas start with four vodka tonics…}

The second question is a little easier, although I don’t think it really matters whether or not older guys are there. And it comes out of a story that I shared last week that I am going to share here, mostly because it involves some self-congratulatory back-patting!!!

I was on the road last week, meeting with some of our investors and some other random people. One of the people we had dinner with on Thursday night was a girl that I first met about four years ago when she was working for a different investment fund, and she reminded me of our first meeting, which included three other people I worked with and three other people she worked with. I think the meeting was in mid-June, and she was just a couple of weeks out of college, working as an analyst in her first post-grad job.

She seemed to barely look up, didn’t say a word, and looked almost on the verge of tears for the first part of dinner. Before the entrees were served, she excused herself to use the restroom and I went with her too, partially because I was kinda worried. I asked her if everything was OK because she seemed upset and (because everybody tells me everything) she told me that, as they were getting to the restaurant, one of her co-workers, a guy, probably late 40’s, had made an offhanded comment along the lines of “Inappropriately tight shirt, Emily, fantastic choice!” She knew that he wasn’t trying to make her feel at all uncomfortable, but it made her incredibly self-conscious both about the way she was dressed and the way her co-workers thought about her.

Which I get...I remember feeling really, really bad for her. She was probably already feeling a little out of place (I was 30 at the time, and the next youngest person was at least five years older than me) and self-conscious about what to say and how to act, and now she just felt like everyone was staring at and judging her and that she may as well have been naked. Like, to the point that what she really wanted was just to go home, but felt like it would be weird.

And the thing is, she was dressed inappropriately. She looked absolutely fantastic, but she looked fantastic largely because she was wearing something that only an extraordinarily attractive 22 year old girl can wear...the skirt was too tight and a tiny bit too short, the heels a little too tall and the shirt too tight and too low cut. It was “business attire” in the technical sense, but certainly not in the spirit of any dress code anywhere. The point being that she was dressed in a way that made it abundantly clear that she was young, gorgeous and had a killer body, but it was in a venue in which those are things that don’t need to be (or shouldn’t be) highlighted.

Which I told her. I know the tendency in that situation is usually to say “No, it is all in your head, no one has noticed” but that really wasn’t the right message for her, so we had a brief talk about dressing down a little bit next time;-). I swapped seats with her when we got back to the table (she had been on a booth seat between two older guys, I was in a chair and next to a woman) and I commandeered a silk scarf from a woman I work with to lend to her and all seemed to be better. She definitely bolted home as soon as reasonably possible, but she loosened up a bit after that.

The point of this story, other than to tell you that I can actually be quite nice, is that dress codes for women are tough. We have a much larger variety of acceptable clothing than men do, but that variety comes with a much larger risk of dressing poorly. Guys wear darks suits, shirts, ties and like three kinds of shoes (unless it is summer, in which case a light suit is acceptable, although seersucke - green, blue or other - is probably a no go at a professional event). If it gets too warm, they take their coat off. It’s really pretty simple.

Women have a lot more choices, and the appropriateness of those choices varies dramatically based on age and body type. As one example of the differences, just think about the neckline of a plain white button-down shirt. All guys shirts have identical necklines...they button all the way up and get wrapped in a tie! There are very minor variations in the format of the collar, and other than being the total douche who wears a contrast collar, there are no inherently wrong choices. For women, though? I can probably give you 1,000 words on the appropriates for different necklines and collar styles for women of different ages and body types.

I’m relatively young and I am built, to be kind, like a 14-year old boy. I generally don’t have to worry too much about things being too tight or about shirts with overly plunging necklines. Other women, like those who have actual hips and boobs, need to be particularly careful about the curves that get accentuated by some tighter clothing and the cleavage. I was shopping with my sister not long ago for work clothes, and there is all sorts of stuff that I can pull off that she really can’t, all of which is related to her being, you know, shaped like an actual woman;-)

Which is all my very long-winded and rambling way of getting to a dress code thesis, which is to largely mimic the men’s dress code.  Wear a suit that is properly (and conservatively) fitted, and reaches at least your knees. I like skirts as much as anyone, but don’t be shy about wearing pants. Wear a shirt that is large enough that your boobs are not stressing against the fabric...the buttons shouldn’t look like they are being pulled, and you should button it above the very top hint of cleavage. Wear the jacket unless it is so hot that you are uncomfortable (in which case the guys will likely be taking theirs off, too.

Remember, dinner with colleagues is not the time or place to worry about how your personal style is reflected in your ultra-meticulously selected ensemble. You’re here because of what you can do with your brain, not how you look doing it. Really, your clothes should be as un-noteworthy as possible.

Dressing for the company christmas party? Now THERE is a long answer...

Submitted by: Timothy E. Miller
Would you rather be a Jedi Knight or a Sith Lord?

So, this is a little bit of a silly comparison...it is like asking if you would rather be a mayor of Topeka or President of the United States. There are a whole lot of Jedi Knights, and they are just the rank and file members of the Jedi Order. There are only two Sith Lords at once, and they are the Supreme rulers of any adherents to the entire dark side of the force. So this is less of a question of good vs. evil and more a question of whether you want to be the boss or not.

The better question is whether I would rather be either Grand Master or Master of the Order or a Sith Lord. And really? I’m not super interested in being either one. It seems like a lot of work and danger without a whole lot of tangible reward.

There is a certain appeal to being evil - how much fun could life be with no conscience, right? - but that would be seriously mitigated by everyone hating you and having to house your superpowers in secret lest you be killed by that army of Jedi do-gooders. And that limit of two Sith Lords almost guarantees that your own acolytes are going to be trying to kill you regularly. Any organization that is not growing can tell you that allowing for personal growth and new challenges for talented people is a constant struggle, and I have to feel like that is a problem for high-ranking Sith. At some point, the apprentice looks at two healthy, young Sith Lords and asks “What’s my career path?” It’s not like there is another organization they can make the jump to...once a Sith, you’re pretty well in it for life.

Jefi have the advantage of being more respected and esteemed, but there is a really dirty secret of the Jedi order...the pay sucks. I mean, really, really sucks. As best as I can tell, they kind of operate like monks, taking food and shelter from the Republic but not actually getting any kind of a tangible salary. So, you are expected to go through years of training, swear off all kinds of fun stuff, risk your life daily and then you have to go and beg someone if you need a new iPad? What kind of bullshit is that?! I hired a part-time CFO last month who works one and a half days a week and we had to pay him $75,000, plus a pretty generous equity package...and somehow the Jedi get elite physical and mental specimens to sign up for a dorm room and a new robe every year?

I call bullshit, and in fact I have another theory entirely: I don’t think any of the Jedi are there willingly. It just doesn’t make sense that so many people would want that job when the same skill set could be Intergalactic executives or lawyers or doctors and live a much more enjoyable life. I am pretty sure that the Jedi Council just simply finds promising people, then uses the Jedi Mind Trick to make them think they want to be Jedi. How else can you possibly explain it? The whole thing is a scam, dammit, and it is time you sheeple woke up to the truth!