Alex Asks the Misfits - June 2, 2017

The Whole Gang!

Welcome back to "Ask Alex", where I answer all of your stupid questions with even dumber answers.  Have a question you need answered? Tweet it, email it or submit it here and I will get to it (maybe) next week.

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We have a very special Ask Alex for you this week! Since I have been swamped at work all week my husband was out of town, I have delegated the answering of questions to my fellow Misfits, and they have generously agreed to share their wisdom with you! And to give you readers a break, I went ahead and asked all of the questions;-). So, let’s now see what they all have to say! For your assistance, I have put all of my own words in red, including the questions and my own commentary on their answers...and just so you know, a couple of answers are still trickling in, so I will update this as they get finished. Enjoy!

Question for: Andrew Lynch
"Last week, you, Dee and Lady Sappho were lamenting the horrors of the dating pool. You also like raisins and hot dogs with peanut butter and jelly on them. Do you think these things are related?

Also, you've met Dee, right...?"

Short answer: No.
Longer answer: completely unrelated.

Exhibit 1: Tom Brady loves avocado ice cream. (http://www.cbssports.com/nfl/news/tom-brady-reveals-his-favorite-recipe-from-his-200-cookbook/ …) Now look at his wife {using Tom Brady against me is totally unfair!}.

Exhibit 2: Donald Trump. He eats his steak with ketchup {and well done at that!}. And look at his (current) wife. {This is a better example...Tom Brady is, after all, gorgeous. Trump looks like a burlap sack full of cream cheese}

Exhibit 3 and, really, the case-in-point... let me introduce you to @JesseKellyDC--the man with arguably worse food opinions than my own--and his wife @aub_kelly. {Jesse's food opinions are sometimes absurd - Sour Patch Kids?! - but let's not go pretending that his hatred of cold sandwiches is even in the same universe as peanut butter and jelly hot dogs!}

All these men enjoy things that many people consider crimes against food and good taste, and yet they all seem to have done just fine in spite of that. The precedent is there for resounding success! At least when it comes to food opinions. My problems will likely arise from the fact I'm not a pretty boy star quarterback, rich business mogul, nor freakishly tall giant with a penchant for mint green jackets. (Side note: in my research it appears that even Taylor Swift likes oatmeal raisin cookies, though they're not her favorites {Taylor Swift and Tom Brady in the same answer? You play dirty, man...}).

The three of us were indeed lamenting the pool of truly dateable singles. For them, let's be honest, they're in areas where Pajama Boy is the norm and to even ask a girl out on a date is likely going to get one arrested for sexual harassment because there was no signed affirmative consent form for being talked to. On top of that, Millennials (particularly men) just don't know how to date anymore. "We should hang out sometime" instead of just straight up asking a girl out and being clear with intentions.

And what even are the intentions now? Through my anecdotal research, for many men it appears to be to cruise through an extended period of delayed adolescence in a post-college setting, playing video games and getting laid when you can. The whole relationship idea is kind of nebulous to many of them. Those that have somehow escaped this malaise have to be sifted through to find. My issue? Mine is just that I'm picky and like to lament this situation when it's more-or-less entirely in my control to fix. (Also not being a star quarterback that results in those supermodels throwing themselves at me and my incredible sexiness.)

As to your last question, yes, I have met Dee. You just referenced we were lamenting the dating pool. That's kind of a silly question to close with, isn't it? {Hmm...just asking. You, um, you know she's single, right? ¬_¬}

Question for: Marc Logic
I'm playing in a charity golf tournament in a couple of weeks. It's at The Country Club, which is a pretty snooty place. How short is too short for a golf skirt? I have pretty nice legs, but I don't want to break protocol. Also, I would like to get better at golf in the interim. Do you have any quick tips to take about 40 strokes off my score?

Drink heavily, this will fix both issues.

Seriously though, half the golf shots you will take are from 100 yards & closer {I'm guessing it's a lot more than half, but I don't actually keep score, so that is kind of hard to pin down}. A boring as it sounds, the fastest way you can get better & contribute to a scramble is practice chipping & putting. Keep your lower body completely still and use your upper body like a pendulum. Set up to the ball and press your hands forward. It's called a forward press. As you chip keep your hands in front of the head of club & accelerate through the ball.

{There isn't much chance of me actually devoting any time to practicing, so I will probably try to contribute by looking super cute. Good job on avoiding any discussion of appropriate skirt lengths, Dad!}

Question for: Dan
What's the deal with white guys and hot Asian chicks, man?

There are a few different approaches to this question, all of which have to address the phenomenon that attraction is generally based on similar characteristics to one's self.

First, the biological argument, meaning one has the desire for genetic diversity. Second, the sociological, meaning the fascination with something outside of your ingroup. We could call this “exoticism”. Third, the psychological, referring to a rebellion against the “societal norm”.

Google searches and psycho babble aside, the simple answer is in your question. “Hot Asian Chicks” are indeed, hot.  By “hot” I mean “uniquely beautiful”, in the way that women of all races have a unique beauty that should be appreciated {But especially Asian chicks, amirite?!}.

Sincerely,
Dan
White guy married to a hot Asian Chick

Question for: CDP
You're due to marry a woman who I can only assume is a cross between Adriana Lima and Mother Teresa at some point this year. Hypothetically speaking, were that wedding scheduled for November 11, and were #2 ranked 9-0 Arkansas playing at #1 9-0 LSU for (in all likelihood) a spot in the CFB Playoff and your three best friends had seats on the 50 Yard Line, where would you be on that day? And would your decision change if your fiancé allowed corn dogs?

First of all, in this highly unlikely and purely hypothetical scenario, if on 11/11/17 a #2 9-0 Arkansas team plays a #1 9-0 LSU team there’s a decent chance that both have a shot of being in the playoff no matter who wins as long as the game isn’t terribly lopsided. Arkansas would have Mississippi State and Mizzou left on the schedule, two very winnable games. LSU would still have to play Tennessee and A&M, which is admittedly a tougher row to hoe, but certainly not impossible.

Assuming both teams win out and the winner of the AR-LSU game then wins the SEC Championship game {Don’t you dare assume away my adopted Florida Gators! @LadyLibertas76 will strangle you!}, you’re left with an undefeated SEC champion and an SEC West team with a record of 11-1 whose only loss is to the (presumably) #1 team in the country. Barring an unusual number of undefeated teams from other conferences both of those SEC West teams are probably getting into the playoff, causing the usual rioting in the streets in Big Ten country and heavy drinking in Bob Stoops’ office.

But all of that is after I have to make the decision to go to the game or the wedding.

My answer is obviously I would be at the wedding {so obvious that it took you two paragraphs to get to it!}. No sports fandom scenario, no matter how once-in-a-lifetime it might be, can justify missing your own wedding. That’s the sort of thing that ends with you getting a Taylor Swift song written about you {“work Taylor Swift into your answer” challenge completed}. I’ve also got some bad news for my three friends: they aren’t going to the game either.

You said these are hypothetically my three best friends, and for good or ill sometimes you have to make very difficult and terrible sacrifices for your friends. It ain’t easy havin’ pals. I’ve hypothetically helped at least two of them with some very shady hypothetical stuff, and if my bride is suddenly thrust into the position of scrambling to replace three central actors in her wedding….well let’s just say I hypothetically know where the bodies are buried. Besides, they can scalp the hell out of those tickets. {Is it a bigger crime to skip your friends wedding, or to ask them to skip the game..?}

As to the question of corn dogs, I can actually see that adding a certain amount of levity later in the evening at the reception. Assuming television picks up the game as a prime time offering, it’s available in some not-to-far-off locale for periodic checks of the action, and a room full of Razorback fans are sufficiently lubricated, yes I can see corn dogs being a fun addition to whatever it is people normally eat at weddings (why are you eating? The booze is free!). For those of you who don’t know what this corndog talk is, just google “LSU corndogs” and you’ll find all the info you need. {Here’s your link}

Now for the actual answer to the question: I have it on good authority that no woman from or marrying into a family of SEC (and other schools in the south) football fans plans a fall weekend wedding without checking the football schedule. Bye weeks are obviously the best choice, but those early season games against Little Sisters of the Poor are also acceptable. Uncle Bob, who hasn’t missed a conference home game in 35 years, probably won’t care if he doesn’t see the pre-game show of the big matchup against New Mexico Tech*. Uncle Bob is the reason you don’t have that wedding on LSU Saturday in November: yes, the main parties will in all likelihood be there, but there will be empty seats. Bob is going to Baton Rouge. He just got a great deal on three 50 yard line seats.

*{This sent me down a rabbit hole reading about New Mexico Tech, which is a pretty well-regarded small engineering school in Socorro, NM with about 1,500 students and reputation as one of America's best valued-schools. It's most famous alumnus is probably Conrad Hilton. Sadly, it has no athletic department, and therefore can't collect a massive check to send it's football team to get bludgeoned by Arkansas. Or beat them.}

Question for: Lunatic Rex
Rex, in your memoir, you noted that you spent a good deal of time on issues related to Africa. I think this could really help me out. See, I have a friend in Nigeria named Hassan Goodjoy Akeem Adebayo. He's actually a Prince! He's got several hundred million dollars tied up in state-controlled banks, and he needs to transfer that money out to a random American in order to save it. He'll let me keep half, but I need to come up with about $250,000 in legal costs to make this happen. I'm gonna start a gofundme to raise the cash, but after that can you walk me through this..?

Sure. I am indeed very familiar with the Dark Continent, though my expertise is mostly in the area of counter-terrorism with a lesser focus on political and military issues. That said, this seems like a good way to make a lot of money in a hurry. Africa, in general, is a very prosperous place where many people become wealthy, and they love to share the money with foreigners and those less fortunate than themselves. Let me know the URL when you get the GFM set up, and I will contribute to the cause. For a cut, of course. Let’s say 10 percent.

Meanwhile, back in reality… the Federal Republic of Nigeria is a ‘secular’ country which attained independence from the Great Powers of Europe in 1960, along with a large majority of other northern African nations. In the case of Nigeria, they gained independence from Great Britain, their former colonial overlords. After that, there was a lot of war and other violence commonly thought of when considering Africa. It was not a good time to be alive (for as long as one could manage to stay that way).

By about 1999, Nigeria had become a relatively ‘stable’ democracy. It has vast natural resources (by which I mean oil), mostly in the southern part of the “Giant of Africa.” It is a huge country, and the most populous one on the continent. In fact, there are nearly 200 million people living there {181.5 million, per the official estimates}, which is by far the largest concentration of humanity in one country in Africa {nearly as large as the next two - Ethiopia and Egypt - combined}. It’s a very interesting place. Two of the world’s great religions share the space, with the south (where the oil and seaports on the Gulf of Guinea are) being majority Christian and the north (which is where...nothing of much consequence apart from maybe some blood diamonds is) being majority Muslim.

Nigeria comprises 36 states and the Federal Capital Territory (FCT), so named because the nation’s capital, Abuja, is situated there {not Lagos...who knew? I mean, other than Rex?}. There are approximately 2,000 ethnic groups spread throughout the country, most of which have a leader akin to a tribal chieftain. The modern idea of a ‘Nigerian Prince’ seems to come from this concept. A “prince” would be the son of one of these tribal leaders, who themselves vary widely in personal wealth. But if any one of them had access to as much as a quarter million dollars in fluid assets on a given day, I would be surprised to the point of astonishment. And even if such wealth exists with one or some of these leaders, I would not expect his son would have access to very much of it, at least not while dad was still alive. But if he did, I’m not sure he’d have a need to get the money out of the country unless he went to Europe or America and took it with him.

{Hold on...I am almost hearing that you think maybe my good friend Hassan is not on the up-and-up..? Racist.}

In 2011, Goodluck Jonathan was elected president in what is considered to be the first ‘free and fair’ (for a given (African) value of free and fair) election in the country’s history. If Goodluck sends you an email, you might consider it because I am fairly certain he is stupid rich. It is the nature of Africa. Just have Patience {This is funny because his wife’s name is Patience. Let’s also all acknowledge that Goodluck Jonathan is the best name that any world leader has ever had.}

There was a time Nigeria had royalty (such as it was). If you’re getting email from actual Nigerian royalty, I’m sad to say it must be from beyond the grave. I hope this has helped you figure out what to do here. Goodluck!

Question for: Mobal Warming
As the ‘mother’ of a now 22 year old, I extend my sympathies as you enter the ‘mother of a dating daughter’ stage of your life. Also, you’ve noted on several occasions that you got your first gun for Christmas and have been shooting several times. These two events aren’t related, are they…?

Dear Alex,

It’s funny you should ask that question. Right now, I happen to be sitting in a hotel room in Seattle, the city where my now dating-aged daughter was born. I haven’t been here in a while and only once since we lived here 15 years ago. We only lived here a year and for most of that time, I was pregnant with my daughter, my first baby.

Being here, the memories flood back into my mind. The moment I found out I was pregnant. The horrible morning sickness, when I ate so many peanuts that I couldn’t eat them again until a year after she was born without feeling sick. Listening to her heartbeat. The first time I felt her kick inside me. The daily afternoon ritual of hiccups {My favorite part of being pregnant was baby hiccups!}. When I was five months pregnant, she and I survived a massive earthquake. When I was eight months pregnant, a car accident. We went through a lot together before she was even born.

After 29 hours of labor, on a Monday in July, I finally got to hold her in my arms for the first time, and I never wanted to let her go. I hardly ever did for the first four months of her life. I was holding her that morning, feeding her, the TV on, crying, when I watched the second plane crash into the South Tower of the World Trade Center. “What world is this she will grow up in?” I thought, as I cried.

If you’re a parent, you know how it is: the love and the fear. Those two companions that suddenly appear and then never leave. The overwhelming desire to protect her from harm and from hurt. The knowledge that you would lay down your life for her. And the feelings of pride and loss as she grows up and away from you. You know she needs to experience all of life, not just happiness but also sadness. But that doesn’t always stop you from going full-on Mama Bear when someone hurts her. I mean, you’re not really supposed to confront the three-year-old who was mean to her at pre-school, but sometimes, things happen. {Reminder...ask Mo to explain this story}

So, to answer your question, is my gun purchase related to my daughter dating? As my lawyer, I’ll advise myself not to answer. But between you and me, I’ll be making sure the gun brochures are lying around when the boy comes to visit.

Question for: Rebecca de Winter
The first time I did the Mom thing, I was like 30 years younger than the other moms. Now they are kinda my age and I'm expected to be pleasant and social at soccer games, birthday parties, etc. Do you have some tips on how I can let everyone know that I don't want to talk to them? Please separate your answers in 'passive-aggressive' and ‘outright aggressive' groups.

First, if you are a mom who happens to enjoy chatting with other moms while attending childhood functions, skip this question entirely. Congrats on having the gene that gives you the gift of enjoying other humans. For the rest of us though...

This is a good question. Maybe the best question, actually. As a veteran of the whole mom crusades (20 years in the trenches), “avoiding forced socialization with other moms” is easily in my top five most pressing dilemmas. It outranks diaper rash, teething, terrible twos (threes, really, as most moms know), and enforcing chore charts in sheer frustration factor. Really, only dealing with the puberty stage is more challenging.

It took me several years and many awkward moments to master the art of avoiding without offending (or offending without caring, in some cases), and I’m honored to pass that knowledge along. So let’s get to it:

1. Choose wisely
If you want to avoid forced mommy socializing, AVOID MOMMY AND ME CLASSES LIKE THE PLAGUE.

Yes, you want to make sure little Cooper or Constance has a well-rounded, fulfilled childhood. Yes, you want to find fun, engaging activities for them. No, you do not need to sign up for most “Mommy and Me” traps. I mean classes. No, I mean traps.

Look, I get it, they sound so enticing. They take something that sounds fun to some people, like music, yoga, swimming, etc. - then design it around a Mom and Baby theme while attaching catchphrases and buzzwords about “stimulating their intellectual development.” (YOU DO WANT CONSTANCE TO GET A STEM DEGREE, RIGHT? RIGHT?!)

The expectation vs. reality disconnect with these activities is so huge, it could create a black hole.

Expectation: laughing and smiling, bonding with your baby/tot.
Reality: intense humiliation when all the other babies are playing along and learning, while Cooper cries incessantly and then attempts to bite another participant.

Expectation: relaxation with yoga, good for baby and mom.
Reality: you pull a hamstring and Constance pukes all over the yoga mat.

Expectation: get to meet some new friends with the same parenting joys and challenges.
Reality: hearing TMI from strangers about their birthing horror stories, why they did or did not circumcise little Tommy, and show and tell of their breast infections.

Do I sound cynical? I bet I sound cynical. Sorry about that. Just, heed my warning and learn from my mistakes. Put Constance or Cooper in the BABYBJÖRN {OMG, I loved my Bjorns!} and go do something fun for you. If you’re happy, baby is happy. If baby is happy, it’s worth more than 100 Mommy and Me classes.

2. Come prepared
OK, so you’re wise enough to skip the Mommy and Me Military-Industrial Complex. But you’re not out of the ballpark, Missy, because there are endless obligations as a mom that you simply cannot escape. You can try (as I have and still do), but at some point, you will have no choice but to suck it up and attend that birthday party, soccer game, spelling bee or...God help you, PTA meeting.

Whatever you do, DO NOT set out without your props. Yes, I said props. At all times, I carry with me:

• Smart phone (duh)
• Headphones
• A library book
• Notebook and pen
• Pocket calendar

These will come in handy.

Now, going back to the OP’s question, she wanted advice for dealing with two specific groups:

The outright aggressives:
I almost admire the outright aggressive moms. Mostly they piss me off, with their “in your face” loud style, but at least they say what they mean, and mean what they say. A good example of the outright aggressive mom is Linda. I made the horrible, HORRIBLE mistake of volunteering to be room mother one year (don’t ever do this, ever). So I was in charge of class parties. I was really excited about the Friendship Party (known in the 70s as the “Valentine’s Day Party”), I had gotten all kinds of goodies and extra cute plates and decorations.

Then Linda walked in, and all of my joy was destroyed in about 10 seconds when she completely (and loudly) lit into me about how I didn’t get “the right” kind of goodies. If anyone reading this has ever volunteered for a class party, they have met “The Linda.”

I was unprepared, and I turned beet red, stammered out an apology, then went to the bathroom and cried. Ugh. I want to slap that old version of me. What a noob.

Today, here is how I would handle Linda: “Oh Linda, thank you. I appreciate you pointing that out. You are totally right. As room mom, I’m delegating this to you right now, so, go take care of it. Get what you think is best and bring me the receipt. Yes, NOW.  Thanks. OH, and you’re in charge of the Spring Fling. Buh-bye.”

For the outright aggressive moms pushy about wanting to talk, chat and socialize, it’s time to put those props to use. I find that the headphones (as in, stereo headphones, not little ear buds) do the trick every time. I have zero shame in popping those on at any time or place.

If you are too shy about wearing big-ass headphones at your child’s event, or you just want to be more polite than me, you have other options. Find a place to sit and read your book, and if that isn’t possible, whip out the notebook or pocket calendar and start working in it with an intense look of concentration on your face.

Works like a charm.

The passive aggressives:
UGH. I’ll take an outright aggressive mom tribe over the passive aggressives any time. The passive aggressives play mind games, and jab you with little “hints” that sound friendly on the surface but set your teeth on edge because you aren’t stupid, and can detect the catty swipes right under the radar.

You deal with the passive aggressives much in the same way as you would the outright aggressives, icing them out with your props, with one exception: if they try to get a rise out of you by making a joke at your expense, nip it in the bud, with your good sense of humor. If you can make a joke out of their attempt to put you in your place, they won’t get the satisfaction they so desperately sought. They want to be in your good graces, passive aggressives always do - and you wield the power, so use it.

Give a passive aggressive an inch, and they will own you. Prevention is the best - and only - cure.

If all else fails, take heart, dear fellow mom - as your child gets older, you’ll find yourself starting to recognize moms like yourself far more often, the kind you actually enjoy seeing. And you can bond with them while laughing about Linda. {Seriously, Linda sucks!}