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You Can't Deep Fry Water

4/25/2018

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Rex
I was minding my own business the other day, just reading some tweets and doing a little acting, when I came upon a missive about someone having done something stupid with fire. I do not recall what this was, but it got me thinking about stupid shit I have done and seen (and helped cover up - don’t lie, you have too). So anyway, I figured I would ask if anyone would be willing to share their own experiences making mistakes large and small while trying to produce comestibles for themselves and / or other humans to consume.

From my position as a keen observer of human behavior and as a guy who really doesn’t give much of a shit why other people do what other people do as long as they don’t bother me or hurt anybody while doing it, I’m going to tell some tales and provide reporting based on my research into the subject.

OK, here’s the ‘research’ I did:

"You Can't Deep Fry Water: Let's Be Careful Out There." I'm soliciting ideas from everyone who cooks because we all have nightmare stories about times we didn't exactly 'get it right.' Tell me about the times you almost ended civilization on #DeepFriedWater! cc: @MisfitsPolitics

— Randall 'Bama Rex' Raines (@BoonaticRex) April 21, 2018
Several people answered that tweet, and I will give each of them the floor in the space that follows. You’ll observe that I used the hashtag #DeepFriedWater. I did not know there had been a previous use of that tag until I searched it so I could make sure I had all the tweets replying about my ‘research’ tweet. There was an actual thing a while back. I didn’t read up on it because it seems pretty stupid to me.

Before I get into the things other people told me about, let me go first with a stupid thing I recently did. It’s only right that I confess to my own stupidity up front, lest it appear I’m trying to dish it out but unwilling to take it.

A few weeks ago, I had decided I would bake a couple chicken leg quarters for dinner. As I waited for the chicken to thaw, I decided to have an aperitif. OK, a 12-pack of aperitifs. I was quite hungry by the time the protein was ready to go. I was also pretty well in my cups, three sheets to the wind, God’s own Cooter Brown… I was drunk. But I got the bird prepped and into the oven. And then I promptly fell asleep. The smoke alarm woke me up.

Two morals: 1. Don’t cook drunk. 2. Always ensure your smoke alarm battery is serviceable.

If I come up with any more disasters I’ve had that I’m willing to cop to, I’ll include them later.

Now, on to my obliging correspondents and the things they admitted. Mistakes were made.

A few of the usual suspects made multiple appearances. Disasters while deep frying turkey, the hazards of making roux (aka ‘Cajun napalm’), bacon grease spillage, and cooking while drunk were all mentioned. Then there were some unexpected examples, such as the exploding can of baked beans and the also exploding Pyrex casserole and finally, a naked lady and the husband who may not have seen her that way since this incident.

First up is @Iamdynomite1969 with a story about a bird going for a swim:

I once forgot the hanger thingy to lower the turkey into the deep fryer. I realized it when I had the bird about halfway into the oil and my hands started getting burned. I was already committed so I had no choice but to keep going. It hurt and I got oil all over the place.

— Tom (@Iamdynomite1969) April 21, 2018
That sounds very painful. I was reminded of this when I read Alex’s #AskAlex a couple days later. I thought about Tom’s tweet as I read her explanation of ‘sunk costs.’ I’ve never fried a turkey, but I’ve eaten fried turkey and I’ve been there when turkey was being fried. But even if I liked turkey and ever wanted to fry one for reasons I cannot envision, I’m just not sure I’d have stuck it out after my arms started cooking.

Another turkey frying response came from @punkerboy7, and he seems to have taken the old Lewis Grizzard advice to heart: “Damn brother, I don’t believe I’d have told that.”

Turkey Deep Fryer! that should say it all

— Happy Man (@punkerboy7) April 21, 2018
​Next up, sometimes we rue the roux day. Seems our own @molratty had a bad experience:

You mean like that time I was making gumbo and dropped the roux on my hand and leg and almost required skin grafts?

— Mo Mo (@molratty) April 21, 2018
First, we’re all very happy you survived the ordeal, Mo. Roux truly earns its nickname. I mean, it’s very hot and made of glue. Roux is no laughing matter. It is, however, absolutely essential to cooking a lot of stews and such down around my region. Growing up in the vicinity of Mobile Bay, I could probably make roux before I could make a PB&J. And I salute you for wanting to bring the bayou to Sconnie. Now, if you could send some cheese curds down here…

This tweet from @leeharvey418 doesn’t indicate there was any conflagration or injury. It just makes me happy (and I like the song referenced). It also points up the magic that is roux and why we go to the trouble of dealing with all that danger:

I never appreciated the line from Baby Got Back about ‘red beans and rice didn’t miss her’ until I made red beans and rice for myself. It took the entire two sticks of butter worth of roux to get the consistency right.

— Jason who let the long name go on for far too long (@leeharvey418) April 21, 2018
Two sticks of butter will make a lot of roux. Buttery, tan-to-mahogany, delicious roux.
​

There is little more immediately panic inducing in a kitchen than a grease fire. @The_Kat_Roars tells of such a situation:

Ex made bacon in the oven using a shallow baking pan. When I went to take it out, some of the grease dripped onto the pilot light and started a raging fire. I didn't have baking soda so about 5# of flour just had to make do. Put the fire out. The bacon tasted fine though.

— The_Kat™ Drove The Chevy to The Levy (@The_Kat_Roars) April 21, 2018
Glad to hear the bacon was still good, Kat. And that y’all were still there to eat it. Note: I do not recommend using flour to extinguish a fire. It can flash, which could cause a bigger problem than you already have. But fire causes panic. A dangerous servant indeed.

Our friend @elbh sacrificed a Pyrex casserole to the kitchen gods. Well, her husband did:

I’ve made some really crappy food in my life. But when there is a spectacular story to go with it, the foods usually terrific.

My husband and daughter did try to use a Pyrex Casserole dish on the stovetop once. The resulting glass explosion was incredible my spectacular.

— Elaine (@elbh) April 21, 2018
I’m guessing the food was not terrific in that particular case. A bit crunchier than expected in any case.

And @fyvie2 learned about pressure cookers, but not in a good way:

Like the time I nearly escaped certain death by beans from not poking a hole in the top of a Bush's Baked Beans can and placing it directly in a fire?

— I'm Jeff □ (@fyvie2) April 21, 2018
I don’t have anything to say about that. Guessing Jeff’s heard it all by now anyway.

And finally, @cdrusnret tells of the time he left the house and… well, let’s let him tell it:

Back in the day we’d boil baby bottle nipples to sterilize them. Left a pot on the stove, got distracted, left on an errand. Wife came out of the shower to billowing clouds of black smoke, ran around the house naked opening windows after the fire was out.

Still hear about that.

— William Strunk, Jr. (@cdrusnret) April 21, 2018
I realize that isn’t technically a tale about “cooking,” but there’s a naked lady involved so I had to share it. (Glad everything came out OK, man. Although I’m guessing you can’t exactly say the same for yourself. :))

Finally, ‘cooking while drunk’ got an additional endorsement from Charlie (who seems to have blown up a house), and ‘at least 15’ from Sheepdog (who is considering writing a Drunk Cookbook). Endorsing things not to do, I mean. Of course that’s what I mean.

I haven’t thought of any other pertinent disasters I have caused in a (home) kitchen. I did once accidentally set a motorcycle on fire (it was mine), but it had nothing to do with cooking so I won’t tell that one here. I’m also not sure if the statute of limitations is up.

Stay safe out there,

Rex
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