misfitS pOLITICS
We talk. We write. We entertain. Or so we think.
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I like listening to music. A lot. I guess because I’m all cultured and shit. Actually, I grew up with music in my life to a greater extent than perhaps a lot of people did. I’ve said it many times, but I’ll repeat it again: My parents led a popular and successful local / regional event band. Losing sleep on school nights because of rehearsals was a pretty common occurrence, though the folks did try to keep it to a minimum. Everyone in the band had kids, so they spread rehearsals around amongst all the members. Well, most of them; no one wants to go to a drummer’s house.
The other day as I was jamming some tunes (which I do a ridiculous amount of), I noticed I had dedicated songs to a couple @MisfitsPolitics friends and decided to pick a song to play for each of them. It started organically, but then I just focused on tweeting one song for each of them. And now, for better or worse (likely worse), I will aggregate them all here so you can be subjected to all of it in one place. In case you missed it, as it were. I will enter these in the order in which I tweeted them (which order itself has no particular significance - it’s just the song that came to me in the moment). All Misfits are equal, though I did save the two boss lady types (Founder Jenn and Editor-in-Chief Anne) for last. First up is an old favorite from perhaps the most famous Southern rock band ever, those boys who recorded the most famous rock tune about Alabama ever (and a band which included zero members from Alabama): Jacksonville’s own Lynyrd Skynyrd with “Things Goin’ On:”
I dedicated this one to @cdpayne79 because I don’t know anyone who hates government more than he does (with the possible exceptions of myself and Johnny Rotten).
We Misfits are a fairly tight crew, but that doesn’t mean we know everything about each other. For example, as mentioned in this tweet, I don’t know what music @Patriot_Musket listens to. Probably boy bands and the “Frozen” soundtrack. But I do know his college football team is the Texas Tech Red Raiders. And since I didn’t come up with Paul Revere and the Raiders (and they were not red in any case), I chose Red Rider’s only hit that I know for him:
Also of note on this one: My former Twitter handle, @LunaticRex, came into existence one afternoon in Fort Walton Beach, Florida, when a woman riding in my car was singing along to it on the radio. She misheard the title lyric as “Lunatic Rex.’ The powers that be at Twitter decided that account was too awesome for the platform and summarily ended it in early October 2017. No one knows why.
The next Misfit I tweeted a track to was @2009superglide, our other resident military veteran (along with yours truly). He was an AH-64 Apache attack helicopter maintainer and he has seen some shit, man. Literally. And when he saw it, he burned it. Gringo collected his DD-214 and then got motivated and started going to college to finish his degree. Since I also do not know his particular musical tastes (he’s currently a Texan, getting there as fast as he could by way of south Jersey and Philly and Iraq and…, so he’s all over the map), I chose an appropriately themed song for him: Alice Cooper’s “School’s Out:”
Next I chose our only left-coast denizen (but one of four who live in ‘enemy territory’ - blue states), PNW-based @VixenRogue. Kayla is a young mother and again, I have no idea what music she enjoys (though I’d guess it is far different from anything I tend to favor), I went with the only grunge song that ever made any sense to me: Todd Snider’s “Talkin’ Seattle Grunge Rock Blues:”
If grunge never blew your skirt up, this tune should be sure to crank your boat (or float your tractor). You see, I also am not a fan of grunge, and I think I’m fairly safe to guess Mr. Snider does not care for it either (though he was born in Portlandia, so that he penned and performed this tune makes sense).
The next Misfit I searched the gray matter database for was @SeanTheProducr. Since Sean is our resident AV production expert (Hey! Don’t forget ‘formerly somewhat semi-famous!’ - Sean), I went with the first video MTV ever broadcast (on 1 Aug 1981, back when the “M” stood for ‘music’): The Buggles’ “Video Killed the Radio Star:”
This next one was really pretty fun. I enjoy Toby Keith’s music but had never known about this ditty or video before. There is a joke involved here, but that’s between @marcannem96 and the Misfits crew. “Shitty Golfer:”
There was a time Marc was in golfist business, and he is still a big fan of carrying funny-looking sticks in his trunk. These days he still makes his money helping people, but not with chasing little balls around well-manicured lawns with lots of holes in them.
Picking a song to represent @VerumVulnero1 was a little tricky. You see, I know Alex loves Taylor Swift but I don’t. I mean, I don’t know many of her songs, of course. I’d never say I don’t like Tay-Tay, at least not to Alex; I don’t want any songs or blog posts written about how mean I am or that I’m a hater. Not sure I could shake it off. So, since Alex was born in Chicago and now lives in Boston, I figured I’d be safe and sound if I chose a band named for one of those cities. And as pre-Cetera Chicago made more than just the one song, I chose them and the great tune “Saturday in the Park:”
When I started thinking about a tune to capture my idea of @_CCHayes, one of favorite artists came to mind immediately because I have this romantic notion of CC living in wide-open spaces with few annoying humans about bothering her all the time like we unfortunates who live nearer civilization. I have no idea if this is an accurate idea of her living circumstance, but I thought of Chris LeDoux and “You Just Can’t See Him from the Road:”
Now this next one was even trickier than the others where I had to make guesses. @molratty is from Wisconsin and still visits there often, but she lives in Chicago now. Since I don’t know any popular music acts from Wisconsin or songs about cheese off the top of my head, I chose Warren Zevon. And since Mo is also an attorney, I figured “Lawyers, Guns and Money” would do nicely:
Here’s yet another Misfit whose musical tastes are a mystery to me. And I also don’t know of any bands from (or songs about) Connecticut. Fortunately for me and giving me an admittedly easy out to grab a representative song, his name is @danieltobin. And since we both also know a person who loves old Top 40 radio garbage as much (or more) than I do (thanks Anne!), this was an easy call. England Dan and John Ford Coley - “I’d Really Love to See You Tonight:”
And though ‘New England Dan’ would certainly have fit better, both Dan Bailey and John Coley were born in Texas. So I’m calling this one a win.
My penultimate song to a Misfit went out to @JHolmsted, aka ‘Boss.’ Like me, Jenn also grew up in a talented family and has been around the business her whole life. Unlike me, she can dance and actually makes her living in the entertainment industry. And since she lives in Austin and knows essentially everyone who's anyone, I was spoiled for choice when it came to picking a song for her. But it took me about one second to choose one of my favorite artists, Stevie Ray Vaughan. Stevie wasn’t a native of Austin (he was from Dallas), but his is a name I always immediately associate with the capital city. Probably because that is where he started in the music spotlight. Or possibly because his famous “Don’t Mess with Texas” television ad came out when I was in basic training (in San Antonio) and played very frequently when I was assigned to the erstwhile Bergstrom Air Force base (now Austin-Bergstrom International Airport) right after tech school in summer 1986. And one of my favorite songs of his is ‘Texas Flood,” so this one was for the Boss:
And finally, last but absolutely the furthest thing from least, is my fellow fan of crappy ‘70s radio hits, my good friend and our primary editor, @annealexander70. As with Jenn above, I had a veritable plethora of choices I could have gone with. I’ve even written recently about our shared love of this music no one admits they like (but they know all the words anyway). In the end, I chose The Carpenters “Close To you” for Anne. No particular reason; I just wanted to listen to that song at that moment:
As it happens, I just discovered Karen and Richard Carpenter were born in Connecticut. Go figure. In fact, I have learned quite a lot while writing this piece. For example, while I knew SRV was a Dallas native, I had no idea England Dan and John Ford Coley were also from the Lone Star state.
Oh, one more thing: I noticed as I was writing that I actually know very little about the musical tastes of the Misfits. But I bet at least most of them know the bridge of “Close To You.” This was a fun piece to write. If you enjoyed reading it half as much as I liked writing it, I reckon you’re having a pretty good day. Thank you as always for your attention. Rock on, Rex
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Welcome back to "Ask Alex", where I answer all of your stupid questions with even dumber answers. Have a question you need answered? Tweet it, email it or submit it here and I will get to it (maybe) next week.
-------------------------------- Back after a week off, with a kinda shortened column...but if you don’t ask, I can’t answer! First up, we will debrief on the now-two-weeks old Super Bowl before tackling elevator/hold music and then a modern proposal for a new kind of public floggings. Finally, Alex gets a little sentimental about old music… But before I do, a couple of notes...first, a super big happy congratulations to my littlest sister for finalizing her college plans this week. I haven’t always been as involved in her life as I wish I could have been, but I am tremendously proud of her and I am happy that I got to help her through this process. Second, special e-hugs to @Jholmsted, who has had a really, really shitty couple of weeks...I don’t like when my Misfit Momma is sad:-( Submitted by: {Um...I forget…} What happened to the Patriots? I forget who actually asked me this, and it wasn’t in these exact words, so I can’t even find it by searching. But, since my sportsball analysis is so insightful, it seemed rude not to answer. I feel like their “Let’s not tire ourselves out trying to tackle the other team” strategy was a bold one… This seems like a pretty easy answer: the Patriots had almost no success in preventing the Eagles from scoring. The Eagles held the Patriots to some field goal attempts early on and then forced one key turnover late and that was enough because their offense so thoroughly dominated the Patriots’ defense. The game MVP should have gone to the Eagles offensive line. Their quarterback faced almost no pressure all day long and their running backs found ample room to run. It is hard to think of a game of that magnitude where life was easier for a quarterback than the Eagles line made it for Nick Foles. It was a total white-washing along the line of scrimmage, which was enough to overcome the surprising success that the Patriots’ line had against what seemed a superior Eagles defensive front. The Eagles produced one game-saving play in the final minutes, but for the most part, a suspect Patriots line gave Tom Brady ample time to throw and ran the ball successfully throughout. The Eagles secondary played a very weird game of “let’s try to fool them by leaving receivers open by 20 yards”, too. The benching of Malcolm Butler remains an inexplicable mystery. They clearly couldn’t have been punishing him that badly, since he played on special teams, and he is unquestionably a better player than the guys who replaced him. His coverage ability has slipped, and he was not the same player in 2017 as he was in 2015 and 2016, but he is still better than the garbage they rolled out there in his place, and he has always been a very sure tackler, a skill that was sorely missing on this day for the Patriots. Bill Belichick does weird things, and they usually work out in his favor...but on this day, they most certainly did not. There were also two key catch/no catch calls, both of which went against the Patriots. In the bizarro world of the 2017 NFL season, it is kind of hard to say what should and shouldn’t be a catch, because the interpretation changes willy-nilly by the week, but the first one should have been called no-catch and the second one was correctly ruled a touchdown. The Patriots were the beneficiaries of a couple of questionable catch calls during the season (although NOT the Pittsburgh one, which was absolutely cut and dried according to the absurdly written catch rule), but on this day they drew the short end of one that probably should have gone their way. Also, I think that the audio problems with Justin Timberlake’s performance impacted them, as well. They didn’t get the emotional charge that they should have gotten from SexyBack... Submitted by: Lady Catherine What’s with crappy elevator music and phone hold music? Are we not suffering enough in those situations? People voluntarily listen to Fleetwood Mac, so I am not sure that I am going to get too hung up on elevator music sucking. Shit, Rex and Anne spend several hours a week waxing nostalgic over The Carpenters, Captain and Tennille and Kansas...Muzak isn’t nearly the worst of our problems! Phone hold music makes more sense to me...anyone who puts you on hold is probably secretly hoping that you will hang up before you talk to anyone, so the music is part of a strategy to make you miserable enough to hang up. If they started playing Quadrophenia, no one would ever hang up, their phone bill would go through the roof and they would have to explain why you’re not getting a refund because it is your own stupid fault that you screwed up whatever you don’t want to admit that you screwed up. Elevator music makes a little less sense. My guess is that it is supposed to be soothing because so many people are a little bit on edge in an elevator to begin with. Between a fear of heights and claustrophobia, you’re likely to have some torqued up people in any crowded elevator, so some mellow synthesized Counting Crows is probably in everyone’s interest. That would argue more for something you’d hear during a massage - whale sounds, or falling rain or the like - but maybe that stuff is too subtle. The muzak can distract you while you try to figure out whether you are listening to a sweet John Tesh-inspired reworking of I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues or Islands In The Stream. Before you know it, you’ve reached your floor! Some elevator-related notes: I work on a pretty high floor (by Boston standards, not by New York or Chicago standards), which requires a little bit of planning. Going to lunch at 12:05, for example, is a catastrophe, since the elevator stops at like 23 different floors on the way down, 14 of which are after it is full and no one else can get on. Same goes for getting on at about 5:03 as everyone is leaving for the day. Without exaggeration, it is a one minutes ride at 11:55 and a seven or eight minute ride at 12:05. By 12:15, it is back to one minute. I’m not really sure why this building doesn’t have dedicated banks for every 10 floors like a lot of others do, but it doesn’t, so the wrong time can mean a VERY long ride to the street. I have also just realized that, when we installed the new elevator in our condo two months ago, I left out the music (and the ad-supported news feed)! This was, obviously a rookie mistake, and I am now wondering if I can correct this by putting a bluetooth speaker in there. Or, like, maybe an Echo or something… I’ll get back to you on this. Submitted by: Ingenious Firebrand Maybe we need more public discipline. What’s wrong with planning a special Presidents Day event where all the living presidents get to appear at a press conference and kick Rob Porter in the nuts? I think you are onto something here, and I have long felt that shame is an underutilized tool of social improvement. We don’t assign nearly the negative social status that we should to some basic afflictions like laziness and general “being an asshole”. The only problem I have with your plan is that none of the living ex-Presidents can kick very hard. George HW and Jimmy Carter are well into their nineties and can probably barely even operate their feet at this point. Bill Clinton and George W Bush are both in pretty good shape, especially W, but they’re over 70 and I just can’t see them really doing the kind of damage we are hoping for. At 56, Obama should still be able to deliver a powerful kick, but I have a hard time thinking that the guy who used to hit the hotel gym to pound out some 6 lb shoulder presses is going to actually bring any kind of force onto Porter’s nuts. How about this...Porter is given a choice: either he can wear a diaper and a bonnet while sucking a pacifier and repeatedly saying “I beat women because I have a tiny wittle penis” over and over again in a video to be posted permanently to Youtube, or he can challenge UFC Heavyweight Champ Stipe Miocic for the title. I will leave it up to him: take the brief physical pain and potential brain damage that comes from having his face beaten in, or admit that he is a coward and let every single person he ever meets point at him and laugh. Did you ever see the first episode of Black Mirror? Where the Prime Minister has to have sex with a pig on camera to save the popular princess? First of all, they should have just dared the hostage takers to kill the princess...elected officials aren’t supposed to be compromised to save anyone from a class of blood-sucking inbreds who haven’t had a job in 12 generations, but I digress. Secondly, I think this sort of thinking has real potential. If we let some criminals avoid other punishments if they submitted to some spectacular public humiliation, we can trim the prison population AND identify the people who are so especially depraved as to have almost no measurable self-respect. In 2005, William Jefferson of Louisiana was convicted of bribery in relation to having a bunch of cash hidden in a freezer in his office. We sent him to jail...but who really loses if we instead offer him the option of dressing as a fire hydrant and letting dogs pee on him for an hour? Dennis Hastert illegally structured transactions to hide the fact that he was paying off victims of his own sexual abuses. He went to jail, too, but maybe we could have avoided that by allowing him instead to make a Japanese bukkake video. Corinne Brown will likely go to jail this year for wire and tax fraud...how about a Cersie Lannister-style walk of penance? Shame is a powerful tool, folks, and we oughta be using it more than we do. ----------------- Alex’s random old song of the week I was feeling weirdly nostalgic this week, thinking about a regional mock-Congress thing that I did when I was a freshman in high school. Those of you that have followed me for a while know that I grew up in...a not great place. So, when three classmates and I went with a teacher to that fancy school up north of the city for two days, it was the first time that I ever really met kids who weren’t from the same place I was. Kids from places like Buffalo Grove and Naperville and Wheaton. And man, was that ever a culture shock… I made some friends, because that’s what I do...wherever I go, I make friends. And one of these friends, a girl named Amy from Naperville, introduced me to what I will affectionately call “White People Music.” I may have found Dave Matthews and Tori Amos eventually on my own, but Amy accelerated the process. More than anyone else, I associate Amy with The Black Crowes. And even more specifically, The Southern Harmony and Musical Companion, their titanic 1992 masterpiece of throwback guitar rock. It is, if you haven’t been paying attention, the best pure rock album of the 1990’s, stacked full of track after track of thumping drums, searing guitars and the inimitable voice of Chris Robinson. Hotel Illness is probably the best song on the album, Remedy and Sting Me the most radio-friendly, and the break in My Morning Song a soaring piece of chord progression that seemed like a window into a whole new world for me (in fairness, those suburban chicks had really good pot). But, since this is my column and I make the rules, I’m going to let Mr. Robinson scream himself hoarse in the pursuit of rending your soul via music: Sometimes Salvation. And never, ever forget: to lessen your troubles, stop hanging out with vultures and empty saviors...
Welcome back to "Ask Alex", where I answer all of your stupid questions with even dumber answers. Have a question you need answered? Tweet it, email it or submit it here and I will get to it (maybe) next week.
-------------------------------- Well, you sure are in for a treat this week, because Alex is going off on some tangents. You’ll learn about the history of tampons to start off with, and then all sorts of terrible things about Philadelphia, combined with a little bit of boxing history. I name my Groundhog Killing All-Star team, discuss tax cut survival techniques, give you a little bit of a walk down Rihanna lane, and then finally go over some basics on talking about prior relationships with your significant others. Happy reading, and for those asking, Patriots 31-13...two best players on the field are wearing #12 and #87 in white and that will be enough to overcome an otherwise superior Philladelphia roster. Submitted by: Nutella Riot Is it wrong to steal tampons from a cashier-less Amazon Go store? Put another way, why on earth would I steal tampons? Also, is this a situation where a citizen’s arrest is proper? Also, why would I arrest myself for stealing tampons? Stealing is wrong. I’ll grant the Jean Valjean exception, but stealing things you don’t need to survive is wrong. I can think of several reasons why you might steal tampons, though. I mean, you may have your period, for one. I’m pretty sure that guys can have babies now, if Vox is to be believed, and that means you can get periods. AND GOOD FUCKING LUCK WITH THAT. Or you may be stealing them for someone else who has her period. I dunno...maybe you are broke, or homeless or in some other kinds of dire straits, and your wife or girlfriend or other kind of acquaintance is in need. Not to be too serious, but homeless shelters (especially ones who cater to women) are always in need of feminine hygiene products...it doesn’t take a lot of imagination to realize how indescribably horrible it would be to have your period while homeless and without any access. That’s my PSA for the day. You are also getting a history lesson on tampons, because women have been menstruating since as long as there have been humans, and they have been seeking ways to mitigate the grossness of that since about four minutes after the first human woman got her first period. The ancient Egyptians used a variety of (mostly disgusting) substances to treat a number of different gynecological problems, and those are the first records we have of women inserting non-body parts into their vaginas. The ancient Greeks were also users of various vaginal insertions, although it is unclear whether or not they did so to stop vaginal bleeding. (The confusion is related to a translation of the word “motos” from Hippocrates works). 4th Century Indians used tampons made of rock salt and oil, which may not be super effective in stopping bleeding, but would likely work really well as a contraceptive (salt is a spermicide). But, um, it kinda sounds like it would sting, maybe? There is better evidence that women in ancient Japan used paper tampons held in place by a bandage. Sadly, they had some serious absorption issues and needed to be changed 10-12 times a day, which is...not ideal. In slightly later Europe, there are some scholars who believe that the plant Blood Moss got its name not, as is sometimes believed, from its efficacy as a battlefield dressing, but by its usage by menstruating women. That is also where the history of the tampon starts to intertwine with the history of battlefield dressings even more closely, and that relationship continues throughout the 19th and 20th centuries. And no, I don’t find it at all coincidental that we are talking about both gunshot wounds and menstruation... As early as the 19th century, small plugs of cotton or linen were commonly used by military doctors to plug bullet holes, and also seem to have begun gaining popularity with women. It is not at all clear whether this idea was first used as a battlefield medical device or a feminine hygiene product. But eventually, there came about two different varieties of medical products intended specifically for stopping menstrual bleeding: one with an applicator and one without (o.b. is from the German for “no pad”). There were, of course, objections, because you simply can’t talk about women’s vaginas without drawing some sort of pearl clutching from an old man somewhere. Religious leaders thought that they would make girls prone to “erotic feelings”, and sometimes warned parents that their daughters hymens would be broken if they used tampons. And, like, what man would ever take her then, amirite? These sorts of nonsensical objections lasted until about World War 2, when huge numbers of women joined the workforce, and it simply wasn’t practical to try and manage a period for the suddenly large number of working women. This is, of course, a sort of modern irony: tampons are one of the great liberating, feminist inventions of the last two centuries, and yet there is now a branch of feminism that views “free bleeding” as a somehow women-friendly idea. Beyond the obvious, there are a lot of uses for tampons, and a lot of reasons you may be stealing them. They make good emergency bandages (sterile, packaged in waterproof sleeves, ultra absorbent), or bloody nose stoppers. There are rumors that Army Medics often carry them in their medi kits to stop bleeding until better help can be obtained. They can filter sediment or floating particulates out of dirty water in a pinch. Combined with a drop of chapstick or petroleum jelly, they can be torn apart and used as a fantastic fire tinder. In fact, I kinda wonder if survivalists should sort of always carry a couple with them for emergencies... All of which means, that no, you should not arrest someone (including yourself) for stealing tampons. They are a legit miracle of science, a wonder product that has dramatically improved the lives of women and that provide real benefits to soldiers in war zones and people trying to survive in dangerous, unforgiving places. I mean, yea, you should pay for them, and they aren’t quite as important as Valjean’s bread was, but there is a good chance that the person stealing that tampon has a really good use for it... Submitted by: TJWFW Next week, the Super Bowl will result in one of two outcomes: SJW outrage or Tom Brady Tears. Both are beautiful to think about, so who should I cheer for in the Puppy Bowl? The Mastiffs. You should always root for the biggest dogs possible, because big dogs are better dogs. I mean, it’s perfectly logical, right? If puppies are good (duh) then more puppies are better. And you can’t get more puppy than a Mastiff! I’m not sure that they have the speed or the intelligence to beat the German Shepherds, but if they can get an early lead, grind the clock and let their superior size wear down the German’s front, they can win the game. Funny story. One of my kids (Twin #1) loves German Shepherds, mostly because of Chase from Paw Patrol. I mean, she LOVES them, so much so that once at about age 4 she saw one about 50 yards away and started excitedly screaming “Mommy! Daddy! A German! A German!” Which made me really glad that there are no Mexican Shepherds, because that would have been super awkward… Much more importantly, there is a game at hand, and your rooting interests should be pretty obvious. Sure, everyone is tired of seeing Tom Brady win Super Bowls...I get it, watching the same brilliance over and over again gets a little boring. As great as A Tale of Two Cities is, you would get a little tired of it if you were never allowed to read another book. Likewise, Casablanca might start to get tiresome if you were never allowed to watch another movie. Former player and current announcer Gary Lineker once said of soccer “Football is a simple game; 22 men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Germans win.” And to some extent, that is what the NFL has become for the last several years. Impossibly athletic men carry out remarkable feats of running, leaping, throwing and catching and then the other team does something stupid and the Patriots win. It is probably really frustrating for the rest of you to watch. But let’s be real here, are you going to root for a team from Philadelphia? They booed Santa Claus. They put batteries into snowballs and throw them from the upper deck. They once cheered because a rival player who had the audacity to beat them too many times lay motionless and temporarily paralyzed on the field. They punch police horses. Who punches a horse?! You have to be a really unique blend of drunk, stupid and asshole to punch a horse. But apparently not unique enough that it didn’t happen in two consecutive weeks… These, however, are just individual anecdotes that are embarrassing to people from Philadelphia, but can be passed off as non-representative of Eagles fans. You know what can’t, though? The jail in the stadium! Fans at Eagles games were so drunken, lawless and despicable for so long that the city felt the need to construct a jail in the stadium along with a courtroom with a permanently-assigned Common Pleas court Judge to handle the huge volume of offenses during games. Also, my husband’s father told me a story once about a bus trip with a bunch of Flyers fans (he has a cousin who lives in Woodbury, NJ) to see a game in Washington against the Capitals that would make the brothers at Delta Tau Chi squeamish. The aggregate Canadian Club consumption was eye-opening. As much as it pains you, then, the choice is rather obvious...on the one side we have the global, economically vibrant center of medicine and education, led by it’s legendary, nearly godlike Quarterback with the square jaw, supermodel wife and impeccable fashion sense. On the other, a bunch of scrapple-eating, Yuengling-swigging, cheesesteak lovers. OK, props on the cheesesteaks, cuz those things are awesome. One last fact. OK, two last facts...the first is that @shannityshair is an Eagles fan, and that alone should be enough to turn you onto #TeamTouchdownTommy. Second, the Eagles’ name was inspired by the eagle on the National Recovery Administration posters during the New Deal. The Eagles are literally a celebration of Federal overreach, the authoritarian boot of big government and the republic-destroying idea that government “ought to be doing something”. You need to make a choice, man. You’re either a free-thinking, liberty-loving Patriot, or a battery-throwing, authority-loving, deep state Eagle. Choose wisely. WAIT!!! Hold on...I forgot Philadelphia’s greatest crime… In one of the great civic tragedies in American history, the city installed a statue to a fictional boxer, Rocky Balboa, as its most recognizable landmark in 1980. It then took a full twenty-five years before they found the time to put up a statue of their actual son, the great Joe Frazier. Even when they did, the only man to ever sting The Butterfly in his prime, the undersized, tough-as-nails Smokin’ Joe is relegated to some random corner of the city while the fantastical movie character (c’mon...a white, American heavyweight champ?) gets the most prominent spot in the city. Where are your priorities, Philly? [Also...on Ali-Frazier, recommended reading.] Submitted by: Anonymous What’s been your secret to surviving the tax cut? I’ve relied a lot on canned food storage and home-brew fuels. But I don’t know how long I can hold out... Well, it’s been rough. The intermittent electricity I can deal with, but the roving bands of feral dogs have been a real drag. I mean, I am running low on ammunition, and the zombie army hasn’t even arrived here yet! If they don’t raise our taxes soon, I don’t think I am going to make it to spring. Let me run down the list of life-threatening afflictions that have arisen since this anti-humanity #GOPTaxScam:
So, you can see, this tax cut has really, really impacted me. The truth is that the tax cuts are not that big a deal. Democrats are, of course, hyperventilating over their own fantasy-filled doomsday scenarios. But this is pretty typical progressive stuff - changes to any government program, no matter how small, will literally leave people dying in the streets. And since they convinced themselves that this was nothing but a naked cash grab for the rich, they are totally flabbergasted that lower-income workers would be happy about getting a tax decrease at all. They are also pissed that the tax benefits seem targeted to leave out high-earning people in higher-tax states, which obviously targets Blue States disproportionately, but even this is based on some fuzzy math. There are definitely people who may see a tax increase because they are losing some of their mortgage and SALT deductions, but those will be pretty few and far between. If, for example, you like in a state with a 5% state income tax and you are in the highest Federal bracket (39.6%), the impact of the decrease in rates will almost certainly be greater than the impact on the lost deduction on your income tax. And if it isn’t, the net increase is probably going to be really, really small. One further fact mitigating this, those blue states tend to have higher incomes and costs of living, so they benefit from the decreased marginal rates more than the red states that suffer less from caps on SALT and mortgage interest deductions. At the same time, Republicans are overselling it, too. It certainly is a nice short term bump in disposable income for workers - who doesn’t want a bigger paycheck next week? - but the promises of economic stimulus are pretty consistently overblown. Shit, I had a guy try and drop the Laffer Curve in my mentions earlier this week, who pretty clearly had only a very limited understanding of the Laffer Curve. If you’re using dubious, mis-applied economic theory to sell your ideas, well, your ideas are probably kinda weak. And the celebration of every small bonus or raise that gets given out as if it is due entirely to tax cuts (and not general tightening of the labor market) is a bit much, too. The cut in the corporate rates is clearly a factor - but it was likely more of an excuse than an impetus. There is just no way that anyone would have gotten a raise if companies weren’t worried about retaining and attracting workers in a low-unemployment environment. To ignore this is simply ignoring the decision-making process at most every firm in the capitalist world. The tax cut just gave them an occasion to put it in a press release and get a little goodwill out of it. That, however, is not the real problem that the proponents of this tax cut are conveniently ignoring. Much like the Bush tax cuts before them, the Trump tax cuts simply postpone your tax liability until another day. You see, when an entity has an unlimited ability to borrow, taxes don’t matter nearly as much as spending matters. Every dollar that the Federal Government spends has to be paid for by taxpayers at some point. In your state budget, it likely needs to be paid for in the year that it is spent, but at the Federal level, it can be paid for whenever they get around to it (or whenever lenders run out of patience and stop lending the Treasury money). Taxes, therefore, are an arbitrary amount that the government elects to collect this year...spending is a record of the amounts that they have to collect at some point. For politicians, cutting taxes is the single easiest thing they can do, and not something you should ever give them much credit for. While Democrats are trying to make it an issue this year, there has never been a sane person upset that their own taxes were cut. Cutting spending, on the other hand, requires some serious political heavy-lifting...every line of the massive Federal budget has a constituency, and telling them “No” is anathema to everything politicians stand for. All of which is super off-topic, of course, but what can I say...sometimes I get off-topic. Submitted by: Buckley Roberts [...] So, to my question -- my wife and I (we’ve been married a long time, by the way) have never talked about past relationships. I think I mentioned a college girlfriend by name once, and I know that she dated “a tall guy from Ohio,” but that’s it. Oh, she knows about the woman I “dated” (more like friends with benefits) in grad school because they were friends and worked together, but even that we’ve never, ever talked about. I’m comfortable with not talking about it and I think she is too. But I’m curious -- is that normal? Is that healthy? What do other couples do? Can talking -- or not talking -- about it cause problems? If we talk about it how much should we reveal? I sure don’t have anything to brag about, and the only thing I’m ashamed of is the one girlfriend who I dumped in a most cowardly and dishonorable way. (It was a bad situation and at the time it seemed like the moral equivalent of chewing my own arm off to escape a trap.) I’d like to hear what you have to say on the subject. I’ll answer all of those questions individually, but the short answer is: whatever works for you. There is no such thing as a “normal” relationship...every one is unique and will work or not work based on unique factors and circumstances. Is it normal? Probably not...at least avoiding the subject entirely is not normal. I don’t think most people hand over a detailed anthology of their past relationships, but it is pretty typical that you have talked a little bit about the important relationships in your past. I have actually talked about this, or similar things, with a good number of people on Twitter, mostly women, and reached out for some input this week as well. As expected, the approaches are really all over the place (honestly, people tell me EVERYTHING). One woman, married at least 20 years at this point, began dating her husband really young and couldn’t imagine knowing that he or she had been with someone else. Another, also married over 20 years, told me that she is a little bit ashamed of some of the things she did before she was married and would never, ever give her husband all of the details. My experience is that her husband would probably be a lot less phased by it than she thinks he would, but I get the desire to minimize her own history. I heard a lot of "he/she has a general idea, and none of it is a secret, but we don't talk about every little detail." That seems to be the default. I would say that I am at the other end of the spectrum, I don’t have any secrets from my husband...it’s not in my nature. He knows about everyone I have ever dated seriously, and all of my super slutty non-dating adventures, too;-). There is one ex-boyfriend that he is super jealous of, but that's a long story (and also kind of a joke). That’s the good news...anything can work if you have the right people. The bad news is that any approach can be a mistake, too, although I feel like it is more likely to be a mistake in a bad relationship. Either someone gets weirdly suspicious over their partner’s past, or discovers a sexual or relationship history that they didn’t know of and can’t think of their partner the same way again. All of those, though, I think are just the excuse used to ruin a relationship that wasn’t salvageable to begin with. If one of you leaves the other because you found out they slept with another person before you dated...well, you probably had other issues. And yes, talking or not talking could cause problems...it just depends on you and your wife. In the end, it only matters if one of you thinks that it matters and wants to talk about it. You may just not care, or you may actively want to NOT know...either one can make sense in its own way. I can see a couple of sources of trouble here: either one of you wants to know and the other doesn't want to talk about it, or you reveal too much. Even if you did want to know, maybe you only want to know names, timeframes and the rough reason for the breakup...not necessarily every guy she took home from a bar on a random Saturday. I know that sounds like kind of a nothing answer, but I really don’t think there is a universal answer to this question. I guess I feel like you answered your own question...you are comfortable not talking about it and so is she. So what is the point of bringing it up? Certainly there is a chance that it is just a really fun discussion about terrible dating stories that you both laugh at intensely. But there is also a chance that one of your learns something you don’t want to know. I mean, clearly, you have some kind of a working assumption of how many guys your wife was with before you, and when...but maybe you are way off in that assumption. There could be real ramifications to finding out. At this point, unless it is causing some kind of friction in your marriage (which is doesn’t sound like), I’d just leave it be. Funny story, though...I met my husband through my pretend sister. We had a lot of starts and stops in the early part of our relationship (all on me...it was a weird time for me. He is a saint whose patience with me was much more than I deserve) but were were exclusively and seriously dating by about the middle of 2006. Very, very early on, I met all of his local friends, including his very, very good friend Ally, whom he told me, in the interest of full disclosure, that he had dated in their late teens (so, like 10 years prior). That sort of thing doesn’t really bother me, and Ally was engaged at the time to another of his best friends, which made it all seem perfectly tame. I mean, if her fiance was cool with it, why wouldn’t I be? Skip ahead a year or so, after their wedding, and I offhandedly asked him “How long did you guys date?”...thinking it was like a couple of months. “Oh, about two years.” Two years?!?!? Say what?! Granted, it was their senior year of high school and freshman year of college (during which they were almost as far away as two people can possibly be while remaining in the continental United States), but still...I was a little taken aback by that. I mean, two years is “your mothers are starting to think you are getting married” territory... By that point, I knew him and both her and her now-husband well enough to not be actually bothered by it, but I feel like I would have approached meeting her very differently if I thought it had been that serious a relationship. OK, this answer is too long, so I will stop with the stories, but if you dig through my Twitter history, you can find a recap of a potentially dreadful Suburban Moms Girls Night Out that ended at a Chinese food restaurant with several of my husband's ex-girlfriends telling teenage stories...which was awesome. Submitted by: Mo-Lock, the Destroyer (via Lady Catherine) Who's murdering the groundhog this year? How much ground could a groundhog hog if a groundhog could hog ground? What, you didn’t realize that groundhogs and woodchucks are the same animal? Well, they are. They are the same vile, fat, disease-ridden, crop-eating, foundation-weakening rodents… The obvious answer here is that experienced groundhog murderer Bill DeBlasio is the guy for the job. On this day in 2014, DeBlasio “accidentally” dropped a groudhog during a Groundhog Day celebration. A full nine-months later, the zoo where the groundhog lived quietly released a mysterious statement claiming that the groundhog had died just a week after the incident of “acute internal injuries”. Sounds like it was, I dunno, hurt in a fall!!! The zoo tried to claim that the animal died of old age, but Alex Jones thinks differently, and James O’Keefe was recently spotted near the zoo with a GoPro… Adding to the intrigue, while organizers claimed that the groundhog at the event was the legendary Staten Island Chuck, they later admitted that, no, it had in fact been a stand-in named Charlotte (Chuck and the previous mayor, Michael Bloomberg, had a contentious relationship that organizers feared would carry over to DeBlasio). And Charlotte wasn’t nearly old enough to have died of any old age!!! My only fear is that DeBlasio knows we are onto him, and he is trying to lay low until the heat dies down a bit. He has avoided the ceremony for four straight years now, almost certainly to keep the authorities at bay in their dragnet to untie the massive groundhog murdering ring that he is likely the kingpin of. There are just too many eyes on him to murder the groundhog this year without drawing unwanted attention to himself. Never fear, though, because I have another candidate who I think can get the job done. While he doesn’t have any direct experience killing groundhogs, he certainly has a lot of experience studying the species. And he is an extraordinarily willing, if under-talented killer of rodents, so I foresee no trouble in him adapting his gopher-killing skills to groundhogs. So, yes, Bill Murray, hopefully with some help from D’Annunzio, is your guy... One final question on Groundhog Day. Why is “six more weeks of winter” the lesser of the two outcomes? This is not a bad thing, people. The groundhog lives in Pennsylvania...when do they think spring comes to Pennsylvania?!?! Certainly not by Presidents Day. If spring really does show up in six weeks (the day before St. Patrick’s Day) it’d be a goddamn miracle of global warming that would thrill residents of the Northeast to no end. Shit, we’re not that far from Pennsylvania, and we’ll be lucky to see consistent signs of spring a full month after that. ----------------- Alex’s random old song of the week Submitted by: Just Sean What’s your Secret Society’s anthem? We’re making this a question this week, because it is related. During #MisfitMischief last Friday, we were talking about secret society meetings, in mocking the GOP’s absurd tizzy of the FBI Secret Society texts from earlier that week. I suggested to a couple Tweeps (January Jess and WinsomeBulldog were the most eager) that we maybe oughta start a secret society that plots world domination and eats Nutella straight from the jar. Mostly the latter. If we are going to do that, though, we are going to need a soundtrack, right? Sadly, there are no good songs about Nutella, which seems like a massive cultural oversight. Like, Rihanna couldn’t have worked it into a verse of Umbrella somewhere? That gets me onto the subject of Rihanna, who I love. And you are wrong if you don’t. She’s objectively the greatest hit-maker in the history of pop music, and has produced work of a remarkable musical diversity. I can’t pick Umbrella though, because it is lyrically lazy (c’mon...she stretched the word into an extra syllable for no reason!). And I can’t pick Love on the Brain, which is the best song she has ever made, because that stretches even my loose definition of “old”. I’m tempted to pick We Found Love, which has both a refreshingly positive message and the best club dance beat anyone has put into a pop song, um, ever. But, it gets a little repetitive and never quite lives up to that electric opening thump of the synthesizers… All of which is just an excuse for me to link to more Rihanna songs, because every one of you has known where I was headed the second I mentioned her three paragraphs ago. Ri-ri has, of course, turned out the absolute perfect anthem for a secret society of women intent on taking over the world. Bitch Better Have My Money |
MisfitsJust a gaggle of people from all over who have similar interests and loud opinions mixed with a dose of humor. We met on Twitter. Archives
January 2024
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