Crackerjacks. Cohorts. Greenhorns. Frenemies.
Guest contributors run the gamut, but they all pretty much rock.
Guest contributors run the gamut, but they all pretty much rock.
Guest Contributor Beaker
We can pretty much all agree that 2016 was an infected boil on the ass of time and 2017 has yet to see said lesion heal to the point that we can put on pants comfortably.
That aside, we on the non-left of the political spectrum just got through a Chicago socialist style proctology exam. An eight-year long proctology exam that started with only a half a tube of lube and fingers more along the size of bratwurst than actual human fingers…so it's not like we were going to be able to sit down with any degree of comfort any time soon anyway.
So, gentle reader, where does this leave you and your non-leftist posterior?
If social media is any indicator, your beleaguered gluteus is firmly ensconced in one of two camps:
(A) The house that #MAGA built. I'm not going to spend a lot of time here, simply because I lack the requisite capacity to care to do so. Life is short. Far too short to repeatedly point out abhorrent behavior and / or policy is not suddenly defensible / acceptable when it is your guy doing the forcible political sodomy. Nor is life robust enough in years to spend more than a fleeting moment explaining that arguments such as ‘get in line’ is generally a bad idea and rarely works out well for the poor bastards who are required to stand in said line. Then there’s the whole ‘'Trump Train” idiocy, which is the verbal equivalent of eating lead paint chips…Even if Billy Dee Williams himself did a snappy promo extolling the virtues and hitherto unparalleled levels of coolness one could obtain by merely being a member of #Cult45 - I would still need to pass, as I fear lobotomy scars would not be a good look for me.
(B) The uninspiring, hideously boring named #NeverTrump camp. A largely gloomy place, where the prevailing belief system is based on the insistence that indeed, the sky is in fact, falling. Beyond that bit of unfortunate happenstance lies the certitude the Republican Party (due to their unholy and visually unappealing coupling with our Orange Overlord has developed a rather nasty case of antibiotic resistant ‘Trump Taint’); with said malady rendering the GOP electorally leprous and heretofore relegate said party to begging for political influence on corners, until the infection finally dries up.
At this juncture (for some in this crowd) Trump could part the Red Sea and some on the right would be incensed that he failed to obtain an environmental study prior to doing so, while others forget one of Ben Shapiro’s axioms: “never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by incompetence or stupidity.” Except that perhaps they believe he is acting with malicious stupidity. Such musings aside, the constant syncopated rhythm pounded out on the drums of woe and outrage becomes tiresome.
In the interests of full disclosure, I once found myself amongst the periphery of this group and would most likely still be….except that 2016 has left me physiologically incapable of producing any f*cks to give (FsTG) – a strangely liberating condition, not unlike switching from briefs to boxers.
Despite the aforementioned physiological impairment, I can still empathize with this crowd. They (by and large) are an intelligent and principled lot who have been serially molested by the GOP for so long that they've (rather understandably) lost the ability to see the silver (or orange, as the case may be) lining on the current political storm clouds.
Want to gouge my eyes out at even suggesting such heresy? Consider the following:
1) It could be worse, it could be Hillary.
Think of it this way. The Trump presidency may be the executive equivalent of standing in a room full of feces up to your navel and a Hillary presidency, a room filled only to the knees. The only difference is that in the latter scenario, we’d be forced to stand on our heads. The smell may not be demonstrably better but it's a net win on taste alone.
2) Yes Virginia, there is a SCOTUSclause.
It is a sad but unavoidable truth that SCOTUS grows in power and influence like an entitlement program dressed in black robes. Perhaps congress will go about the task of doing their jobs after they repeal Obamacare, audit the Fed and pass significant tax reform… or not. Given all indications point to the fact we are well and truly buggered, we will need as many Judges on the bench that don't consider the Constitution to be a legal etch-a-sketch.
3) Oh Lord, it’s hard to be humble
Congress can't get anything done. As the GOP is undergoing a Jenneresque-level identity crisis, the null set of bills is being passed. This is a wonderful thing. No bills being passed coupled with a POTUS who has done more to roll back regulations than to advance them and you suddenly have businesses willing to create jobs without fear of becoming the latest victim of a shiny new law. Is this an oversimplification? Sure, but neither is it inaccurate
Side note, regardless of Trump’s paroxysms of inconsistency regarding Obamacare, congress was never going to repeal it. Trump may be a ham fisted oaf, who possesses a diet startlingly deficient in moral fiber, but this is not his fault (the whole Obamacare thing, not the unfortunate dietary choices).
Meet the depressed. So mad has Trump driven the American News Establishment that they've shed all pretense of objectivity and devolved into a mass of gif-fearing, Russia obsessed, feces flinging monkeys. Those on the political right have been whining incessantly for…ever that the media is skewed. Pre-Trump, this was somehow played off as a great right wing delusion. Now, such an insistence takes a degree of mental acrobatics as to make a Cirque de Soleil performer weep with envy. Trump is a magnet for unhinged & asinine vitriol. I could say it is because opposites attract but I would be lying.
A couple more points for good measure:
1) I'm Ronrey, so Ronrey. I have not sustained the requisite number of blows to the head to suggest Trump is a net positive on foreign policy, however; given we have emerged from eight years of The trifecta of incompetence that was Obama / Clinton / Kerry, it can be argued that the velocity of our descent into the pit of despair has at least been slowed to some degree. Specifically, I give you North Korea. This particular pimple may finally pop under the Trump administration, but it would be disingenuous at best to put the blame in his tiny little hands. We’ve always known that the Korea situation would end in blood and pus. I, for one, am not displeased that Mattis might be the one in the dermatologist’s seat. If anyone can make sure this blemish doesn't lead to permanent scarring, it's him. Perhaps Ares will smile upon us and force a cage match between Un and Trump…and a cadre of midgets and avoid all of this unpleasantly altogether, which would clearly be preferable. Sadly, Bill Clinton cast this die decades ago and in the intervening years, nobody has done anything but up the ante. Yes, I am mixing metaphors. No, I don't care.
2) Any way the wind blows: Political winds shift and the collective voter memory is as limited as Chris Christie’s naughty bits in a pair of baseball pants. We’ve had horrendous administrations in the past and somehow the party in question always makes a comeback. It's not settled science but it has been a steady trend throughout the history of the republic. Will Trump have a short term negative impact on Republican seats? As logical as that presumption seems, special elections to date suggest this is not the case. Will the Republicans lose seats in 2018? My magic 8-ball says yes, but again, if trends continue as they have a habit of doing, this was going to happen anyway. The pendulum swings. Will it swing so hard that it snaps off and lodges itself up the president’s southern sphincter? It’s entirely possible. After all, it happened to our previous POTUS - although given that the left is currently located on the corner of socialism and intersectionality, I believe the potential Trump-induced political damage will be somewhat muted.
If you are sitting there reading this saying to yourself, “self, this Beaker guy is a jerk, an idiot, and a Trump apologizer,” I would be deeply offended in your lack of creativity in regards to your choice of insults.
Beyond that, I would not argue with you.
Not because I would agree with your assessment but because (as I previously mentioned) I can no longer bring myself to care. You may wail, gnash your teeth, rend your clothing, etc., but it changes nothing.
What we have before us is a sh*tshow heretofore unparalleled in modern politics. The kabuki theatre of past administrations has given way to reality TV and it is both terrible and glorious.
From a banal perspective, if you cannot look at all of this - POTUS, his revolving band of emotionally stunted sycophants; a congress devoid of any desire to do their job; a political left that has become so shrill in their constant shrieking that dogs across the globe are sincerely considering suicide, and a press so completely absurd that people look back on the days of Brian Williams and think “I miss serious journalists” - then I suggest you take a rather lengthy inhale off of the nearest source of nitrous oxide and repeat until the desired state of relaxation has been achieved.
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Pre-primary 2016, I would not have thought so. To the point that I would've considered punching present me right in the junk. For obvious reasons, I am pleased such feats of temporal bi-location are impossible.
Were said bit of time manipulation possible, however; I would ask angry me (and all those empathizing with angry me - you bastards) to consider the following: people are stupid.
Exceptionally so and we can make a lot of excuses.
The American voting public is that guy who refused to admit he had a drinking problem when his wife (yes, yes, gender stereotypes abound here. I am a savage. Moving on.) left him for being drunk. Nor would he admit he has a problem when he lost his job or when he could only start his car by using a balloon filled by some random kid to defeat his breathalyzer nor when he parked his car in his neighbor’s pool nor even when he woke up next to a Guatemalan hooker, a donkey and his own buttocks shaved.
No, it wasn't until he, in a drunken stupor, allowed himself to be tattooed with ‘Trump Train’ above his previously shorn buttocks. Only then did he realize he had a problem and only then could he move forward with fixing his life.
Admittedly, I've lost myself in my own metaphor and I don't know if we are the tattoo or the pruned posterior…but that's not important. What is important is that Trump, despite being Trump, is a net win at the moment (yes, yes, we could've had better but we don't. Just please suck it up and move on).
But wait, THERE’S MORE. Beyond the immediate tangible advantages to the Trump Presidency lies an existential bonus. In his current incarnation, Trump is doing a bang up job of presenting the GOP with a political version of the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Collectively, if the GOP proves to be too stupid to avoid a future where Republicans devolve into a horde of inarticulate, p*ssy grabbing statists, then perhaps they deserve their fate. That being said, I am bullish on a future where Republicans are neither that drunk (as the requisite amount of alcohol needed to induce said state would lead to instantaneous liver failure and death) nor totally bereft of mental faculties to allow the party to devolve into the bureaucratic equivalent of Trump University.
Indeed, it is incumbent to all rational conservatives to embrace the Zen of being, as described by the philosophical giant Sergeant First Class Hulka. Collectively, we must only decouple from the intellectual inflammatory bowel disease that is the news cycle and “Lighten up, Francis” (unless of course your name happens to be Francis, in which case your duty is a singular one).
The Republic has survived far worse than a Trump presidency. The GOP itself has endured binders full of bad press, bad politicians, and bad policy. Even if the Trump presidency were to derail in a spectacular fashion, the comb-over too it would overcome.
In the meantime, enjoy the victories where they can be had, and by all means, enjoy the show.